Not been a happy thanksgiving. I've been at my aunt and uncle's, which is nice. Not nice is being relatively close to my girlfriend, driving by Concord Mills where we went over the summer. At least I didn't have to drive by the exit to her house from I-77, we took 85 most of the way. I was dreading that.
I decided not to call her, but I sent her a text over AIM wishing her a happy t-giving. She replied back thanks and that she was eating at golden corrall (b/c her mom doesn't like to cook...yeah, I know). I then just said 'i'm in ft mill, hope you have a good day' and we left it at that.
I don't know if it's good or bad that on the times I do IM her or talk to her she sounds like she wouldn't mind starting a conversation (yesterday I gave her info on how to go the UNC basketball game w/o a ticket, then she asked me later how late johnny t-shirt was open..). I guess it's good, but if she's over me and not missing me then it's bad. I'm leaning towards the latter.
I really want to ask her to eat at Lenoir sometime before we leave on break. I know she's here till the end of exams and I am too. I'm hoping to just have one chance to have a good dinner conversation and maybe that will make her remember why she loved me.
Already said this in my last post, but I still can't believe that I fell in love for the first time a year ago. I've now known what love is for a year....and it's now been ripped from me.
11/22/07
one year ago...
I just looked at some of my old posted messages from LUElinks. On 11/28/06, I made a post talking about how I just lost my virginity.
1 year.
1 year ago I was in love at this time. I told her I loved her right before Thanksgiving Break. She was on her period so we had to wait to have sex till after (we were waiting until we were both in love).
Earlier last year, like September/early October, she thought she would stay a virgin.
So much has changed since then. So much about myself. So much about her.
I never thought that a year after that moment in time when I had just fallen in love that I'd be going through this shit.
It's not QUITE been a year, but it's damn close.
This is depressing.
I need her so much.
1 year.
1 year ago I was in love at this time. I told her I loved her right before Thanksgiving Break. She was on her period so we had to wait to have sex till after (we were waiting until we were both in love).
Earlier last year, like September/early October, she thought she would stay a virgin.
So much has changed since then. So much about myself. So much about her.
I never thought that a year after that moment in time when I had just fallen in love that I'd be going through this shit.
It's not QUITE been a year, but it's damn close.
This is depressing.
I need her so much.
11/20/07
i just wanted to say
i just want to say "I love you".
how much I took saying that for granted over the past time.
it's like the opposite of the start of our relationship. she tried not to say even though she fell in love with me first and told me she had, didn't want to make me feel weird. now she's fallen out before i have. hopefully we'll get the same result as last time, though i don't know if it's likely.
everytime I see her online or in person, that's all I want to say.
but I can't.
how much I took saying that for granted over the past time.
it's like the opposite of the start of our relationship. she tried not to say even though she fell in love with me first and told me she had, didn't want to make me feel weird. now she's fallen out before i have. hopefully we'll get the same result as last time, though i don't know if it's likely.
everytime I see her online or in person, that's all I want to say.
but I can't.
self-control
Today got better....I finally have an mp3 player again. Easier to fall asleep again.
I've tried so hard not to talk to her. I've succeeded but it hasn't been easy.
I wanted so bad today to ask her how her weekend went. I know I can't, though, mainly b/c Michele and Allison and everyone else would get pissed and I guess it wouldn't help me.
I played a 3+ hour game of poker that I eventually finished 3rd in (and got 0 money back..) and when I sat down and saw she was online I wanted more than anything to talk to her. More than anything. Fuck, she's still online now. It'd be so easy to IM her...she's right there.
I am going to call her on Thanksgiving to wish her a happy one. I feel like she'll appreciate it.
I don't know if not talking to her is more for her, me or us.
Why it might be for her:
- give her true distance from me so she doesn't keep getting reminded of the pain she's caused me
- i won't annoy her
why it might be for me:
- talking to her might make me look desperate/needy. nevermind the fact that I am desperate and needy.
- talking to her will just make it harder to not talk to her in the future.
- if i talk to her she might never end up missing me
why for us:
- time apart can help her miss me, as I said above.
- when we do talk agian eventually i can have more to talk to her about if i don't update her on shit
- talking to her mundanely won't help her see the good in our relationship
- she said she "misses talking to me". so maybe that can develop into missing me altogether more.
But if she initiates it then I'm all over it.
I love her so much.
I've tried so hard not to talk to her. I've succeeded but it hasn't been easy.
I wanted so bad today to ask her how her weekend went. I know I can't, though, mainly b/c Michele and Allison and everyone else would get pissed and I guess it wouldn't help me.
I played a 3+ hour game of poker that I eventually finished 3rd in (and got 0 money back..) and when I sat down and saw she was online I wanted more than anything to talk to her. More than anything. Fuck, she's still online now. It'd be so easy to IM her...she's right there.
I am going to call her on Thanksgiving to wish her a happy one. I feel like she'll appreciate it.
I don't know if not talking to her is more for her, me or us.
Why it might be for her:
- give her true distance from me so she doesn't keep getting reminded of the pain she's caused me
- i won't annoy her
why it might be for me:
- talking to her might make me look desperate/needy. nevermind the fact that I am desperate and needy.
- talking to her will just make it harder to not talk to her in the future.
- if i talk to her she might never end up missing me
why for us:
- time apart can help her miss me, as I said above.
- when we do talk agian eventually i can have more to talk to her about if i don't update her on shit
- talking to her mundanely won't help her see the good in our relationship
- she said she "misses talking to me". so maybe that can develop into missing me altogether more.
But if she initiates it then I'm all over it.
I love her so much.
11/16/07
:|
haven't updated in awhile.
talked to her for about 30 min last night after the PCM thing. that was weird and it felt good at the time.
she kissed him. already. drunk, but still.
she still loves me, somehow. doesn't have romantic feelings right now but somehow still loves me.
hasn't gotten rid of anything, yet. says she had to take off the necklace, though made a point to say she didn't cut it off.
she kissed him...
says she has some feelings for him and that she can see herself with him and not me right now, but can't predict anything. doesn't want to be with anybody, but she can see herself with him.
when i asked if she had missed me she said she missed talking to me and that she wanted to but couldn't because she knew i was hurt.
she kissed him.
he fucking stole her away from me. she said she had kept talking to him after the initial time he had feelings for her, and that's how he weaseled his way in. by making her think he had innocent intentions. bull shit. i tried to explain it in a nice way but i don't know if she bought it.
she's probably with him right now.
she tried to act nice at first. i know she feels bad. but i don't want her to feel bad because i feel bad. i want her to miss me. i want her to want me. i want her to, if she ends up doing it, be with him but only think about me when she is. i want it to not feel right for her.
i don't know where my next direction is from here exactly. i think i'm going to try to hang out with her after awhile and try to be friends. basically do what that eric faggot did, except hopefully it won't take as long.
i did tell her though i don't know if we could be friends. no matter what a part of me will always see her as my girl.
i did tell her too that it was the worst two weeks of my life. and that i had tried to act like i wasn't hurting, but she said she knew i had been.
if she still cares for me like she says she does, she won't get with him or go further with him anytime soon. that would fucking rape my soul i think.
i was doing better last night and most of today.
fucking night time.
talked to her for about 30 min last night after the PCM thing. that was weird and it felt good at the time.
she kissed him. already. drunk, but still.
she still loves me, somehow. doesn't have romantic feelings right now but somehow still loves me.
hasn't gotten rid of anything, yet. says she had to take off the necklace, though made a point to say she didn't cut it off.
she kissed him...
says she has some feelings for him and that she can see herself with him and not me right now, but can't predict anything. doesn't want to be with anybody, but she can see herself with him.
when i asked if she had missed me she said she missed talking to me and that she wanted to but couldn't because she knew i was hurt.
she kissed him.
he fucking stole her away from me. she said she had kept talking to him after the initial time he had feelings for her, and that's how he weaseled his way in. by making her think he had innocent intentions. bull shit. i tried to explain it in a nice way but i don't know if she bought it.
she's probably with him right now.
she tried to act nice at first. i know she feels bad. but i don't want her to feel bad because i feel bad. i want her to miss me. i want her to want me. i want her to, if she ends up doing it, be with him but only think about me when she is. i want it to not feel right for her.
i don't know where my next direction is from here exactly. i think i'm going to try to hang out with her after awhile and try to be friends. basically do what that eric faggot did, except hopefully it won't take as long.
i did tell her though i don't know if we could be friends. no matter what a part of me will always see her as my girl.
i did tell her too that it was the worst two weeks of my life. and that i had tried to act like i wasn't hurting, but she said she knew i had been.
if she still cares for me like she says she does, she won't get with him or go further with him anytime soon. that would fucking rape my soul i think.
i was doing better last night and most of today.
fucking night time.
11/12/07
progress
Not sure what it is, but I'm feeling better today.
Maybe my last post and my "deadline" had something to do with it. All I know is, besides a kind of shitty morning, I'm doing better.
I had two tests today, which sucked, but I think I did alright on them. But I don't really care to talk about those.
Maybe it was a realization that I'm not really feeling threatened by Eric, and that after awhile I can get her back.
I was thinking about the friend zone and I realized that he very well could be in it. Her "feelings" for him I'm pretty sure just surfaced last weekend when she was at her most vulnerable. So maybe he made a temporary shift out of it that was based on circumstance. Maybe he still is temporarily out of it, but I have a feeling that her feelings for him have subsided. Even though I know she saw him this past weekend with Circle K people, I just....duno. I don't feel as threatened by him right now. That could turn back around on me, but meh.
I have this theory about him, which I will call the "Ericfag Friend Zone Theorum", because of a number of things.
- I believe her and Michele that he was not the reason we started breaking up. When I asked her on Thursday if she wanted anybody else she said no. Monday, she said she had "some feelings" for him. Either way, I don't believe that's why we started breaking up, because...
- He had feelings for her for awhile, and she knew, but things had been good/great even during the period for us
- Circle K seems to be a breeding ground for the friend zone. Every other guy there acts, well, I hate to say gay but.....I think even Lauren would tell you that.
- He sounds like an emotional loser. He let some ex-girlfriend of his string him along for 9 freaking months while he waited on her. Now I love Lauren with all of my heart, but I would not (and will not if it comes to it) wait that long for her, and I could/will be able to tell if she's just leading me on, especially after 9 months. Good God man.
- I can't imagine her getting over me that quickly, even though it appears that she is online...but that is just online.
On a different note,
I hate to say it but after seeing pictures of her this past weekend I almost wished she didn't look so damn happy in them. I mean, she won't come back to me because she feels bad, but I feel like I'm not being missed. And maybe I'm not. I just hope that she'll start missing me soon. I mean, she could still be missing me now and I don't know it. But maybe she needs more time and once she gets everything else in order she'll really miss me. I hope.
At some point I am going to make a move, though. I won't wait for her to make the first move so to speak. I'll give her some damn time and space but I hope that in a month or so I can ask her on a date, or at least just to dinner at Lenoir or coffee to talk about stuff.
I'm not gonna give up on this. Probably never will. But I know I have to wait. Damn.
Maybe my last post and my "deadline" had something to do with it. All I know is, besides a kind of shitty morning, I'm doing better.
I had two tests today, which sucked, but I think I did alright on them. But I don't really care to talk about those.
Maybe it was a realization that I'm not really feeling threatened by Eric, and that after awhile I can get her back.
I was thinking about the friend zone and I realized that he very well could be in it. Her "feelings" for him I'm pretty sure just surfaced last weekend when she was at her most vulnerable. So maybe he made a temporary shift out of it that was based on circumstance. Maybe he still is temporarily out of it, but I have a feeling that her feelings for him have subsided. Even though I know she saw him this past weekend with Circle K people, I just....duno. I don't feel as threatened by him right now. That could turn back around on me, but meh.
I have this theory about him, which I will call the "Ericfag Friend Zone Theorum", because of a number of things.
- I believe her and Michele that he was not the reason we started breaking up. When I asked her on Thursday if she wanted anybody else she said no. Monday, she said she had "some feelings" for him. Either way, I don't believe that's why we started breaking up, because...
- He had feelings for her for awhile, and she knew, but things had been good/great even during the period for us
- Circle K seems to be a breeding ground for the friend zone. Every other guy there acts, well, I hate to say gay but.....I think even Lauren would tell you that.
- He sounds like an emotional loser. He let some ex-girlfriend of his string him along for 9 freaking months while he waited on her. Now I love Lauren with all of my heart, but I would not (and will not if it comes to it) wait that long for her, and I could/will be able to tell if she's just leading me on, especially after 9 months. Good God man.
- I can't imagine her getting over me that quickly, even though it appears that she is online...but that is just online.
On a different note,
I hate to say it but after seeing pictures of her this past weekend I almost wished she didn't look so damn happy in them. I mean, she won't come back to me because she feels bad, but I feel like I'm not being missed. And maybe I'm not. I just hope that she'll start missing me soon. I mean, she could still be missing me now and I don't know it. But maybe she needs more time and once she gets everything else in order she'll really miss me. I hope.
At some point I am going to make a move, though. I won't wait for her to make the first move so to speak. I'll give her some damn time and space but I hope that in a month or so I can ask her on a date, or at least just to dinner at Lenoir or coffee to talk about stuff.
I'm not gonna give up on this. Probably never will. But I know I have to wait. Damn.
11/11/07
another one, not mine
I just want to thank you
For all of the things you've done
I'm thinking about you
I just want to send my love
I send my best to you
That's my message of love
For all the things you did
I can never thank you enough
Feel like I'm falling
Falling off the face of the earth
I just want to tell you
You sure mean a lot to me
It may sound simple
But you are the world to me
It's such a precious thing
That time we shared together
I must apologize
For the troubled times
Feel like I'm falling
Falling off the face of the earth
....
thanks Neil.
For all of the things you've done
I'm thinking about you
I just want to send my love
I send my best to you
That's my message of love
For all the things you did
I can never thank you enough
Feel like I'm falling
Falling off the face of the earth
I just want to tell you
You sure mean a lot to me
It may sound simple
But you are the world to me
It's such a precious thing
That time we shared together
I must apologize
For the troubled times
Feel like I'm falling
Falling off the face of the earth
....
thanks Neil.
