I don't know why but the past day or two I've been missing her more. Can't put my finger on it. I'm improving and am doing a lot better than I have been but....recently it's hit me harder. Last night I had another one of those miss her really bad nights.
I guess I have some hope that things with her and Eric aren't going great but I know they've probably seen alot of each other the past week. and will more.
If I can't have her back I want somebody in my life. Someone new to focus on. Someone new that appreciates me.
I didn't do anything wrong to her god damn it. I treated her so well. Fuck her for not realizing it.
12/20/07
12/11/07
12/7/07
downswingish
Probably the worst day with my feelings with her since the contact was broken off. Now I'm wondering if it was so smart to have done that. I just want to get back with her, or if I just knew that we would be back together later.
I have an exam tomorrow that I've hardly studied for, but I just can't care right now. I miss her too much.
I wish I could go back to last year....
I'm going to try to travel and have some fun over winter break (going to Montreat for a week, woot, and hopefully Wilmington a little..) and hopefully being away from campus will help my mind. On the other hand I can't help but imagine her being with Eric, getting closer to him, starting to fall for him, realizing he's not a rebound....
..and then I'll be fucked for a long time.
I really want to reestablish contact after winter break, whether I'm better or not. I think I will be better, but I just want to be able for her to at least think it even if I am not. Maybe go for a Lenoir dinner when we get back sometime before classes start, then maybe just a long nice talk.
If/when I ever get back with her again, however long from now it is (month, several months, a year, later), it'll have to happen on these terms
- me showing I'm happy/confident/strong
- having a really good conversation with her. showing that we really do connect.
- not trying too hard and making her want me that way.
but what if she never stops being with eric?
fuck
I have an exam tomorrow that I've hardly studied for, but I just can't care right now. I miss her too much.
I wish I could go back to last year....
I'm going to try to travel and have some fun over winter break (going to Montreat for a week, woot, and hopefully Wilmington a little..) and hopefully being away from campus will help my mind. On the other hand I can't help but imagine her being with Eric, getting closer to him, starting to fall for him, realizing he's not a rebound....
..and then I'll be fucked for a long time.
I really want to reestablish contact after winter break, whether I'm better or not. I think I will be better, but I just want to be able for her to at least think it even if I am not. Maybe go for a Lenoir dinner when we get back sometime before classes start, then maybe just a long nice talk.
If/when I ever get back with her again, however long from now it is (month, several months, a year, later), it'll have to happen on these terms
- me showing I'm happy/confident/strong
- having a really good conversation with her. showing that we really do connect.
- not trying too hard and making her want me that way.
but what if she never stops being with eric?
fuck
12/3/07
something's missing
Day 1 of zero contact or anything...
It kills me to know she's online somewhere. That she has an away message up that I can't read. That she's done shit on Facebook I don't know about, a bulletin on Myspace.
I know this is all for the better but....it already feels empty. Not as depressing as before or in the same way, just emptiness.
I hope by her being in the same way w/ me it brings it about some too, that maybe this will make her miss me.
I'm sure it'll be easier as it goes on but right now it's just hard.
It's also hard knowing that I can look at it anytime I really wanted; she doesn't have me blocked on AIM or FB back, which I asked so that whenever I am ready to talk to her I can look at it.
It kills me to know she's online somewhere. That she has an away message up that I can't read. That she's done shit on Facebook I don't know about, a bulletin on Myspace.
I know this is all for the better but....it already feels empty. Not as depressing as before or in the same way, just emptiness.
I hope by her being in the same way w/ me it brings it about some too, that maybe this will make her miss me.
I'm sure it'll be easier as it goes on but right now it's just hard.
It's also hard knowing that I can look at it anytime I really wanted; she doesn't have me blocked on AIM or FB back, which I asked so that whenever I am ready to talk to her I can look at it.
12/1/07
look at the time
Exactly 1 month ago my world was shattered. Almost exactly at this time (watched the office, talked for about an hour)
Wow.
I'm thinking about going nuclear on this shit.
Maybe don't give an explanation but just cut off all contact?
Wow.
I'm thinking about going nuclear on this shit.
Maybe don't give an explanation but just cut off all contact?
11/28/07
out of line?
I thought I was justified in what I was saying and she just didn't want to listen to me. She blocked me at the end, classic.
| me: | hey michele |
| ShellyBell873: | hey |
| me: | how are you |
| ShellyBell873: | fine you? |
| me: | i'm alright |
| ShellyBell873: | that's good |
| me: | yeah |
| me: | had a rough day or two though. yesterday i realized it had been exactly a year since me and lauren lost our virginity to each other :| |
| ShellyBell873: | i don't remember what day i lost my virginity |
| me: | i just remembered because it was on our 3 month |
| me: | and yesterday was what would have been our 15 month |
| me: | and then today i just saw that he posted on her wall and that's just a little stab at me. |
| ShellyBell873: | why? |
| ShellyBell873: | all he said was to smile |
| me: | i mean |
| me: | i didn't mean he was taking a stab at me |
| me: | but it hurt, just another reminder that they're basically with each other |
| me: | and i'm just in this pain by myself. i don't want her to be in pain but i don't like feeling alone like i have this whole month, alone in my suffering through this |
| ShellyBell873: | you'll be fine...i promise |
| ShellyBell873: | just get through it the best you can |
| ShellyBell873: | try to keep your head up |
| me: | lord knows i'm trying |
| me: | i'm failing |
| ShellyBell873: | for a while you might |
| me: | i can't stand to see them together |
| me: | and i never will |
| me: | and understand that no matter how good a guy you think he is, he knew exactly what he was doing this whole time, and he certainly was not "worried" about breaking us up |
| me: | and he doesn't give a shit that he did and he's happy he did |
| me: | btw make sure she knows not to ever let me see him/them in person |
| ShellyBell873: | that's not right |
| ShellyBell873: | you need to calm down about the eric situation |
| ShellyBell873: | and leave it alone |
| me: | what i'm saying in regards to his intentions is true |
| me: | it really is naive to think otherwise |
| ShellyBell873: | regardless, you're sounding a little crazy |
| me: | god i'm not going to get violent |
| ShellyBell873: | doesn't matter |
| me: | yeah, it does |
| me: | if i was going to get violent about it, that would obviously be bad and i would hope someone would stop me/calm me down |
| me: | i'm not going to though |
| ShellyBell873: | well you sound like you're on your way there so be careful |
| me: | i'm not |
| me: | pardon me being pissed at him |
| ShellyBell873: | HE WAS NOT THE FUCKING REASON SHE BROKE UP WITH YOU |
| ShellyBell873: | GET THAT INTO YOUR HEAD |
| me: | look |
| me: | that doesn't matter |
| ShellyBell873: | yes it does |
| ShellyBell873: | b/c you keep blaming him |
| ShellyBell873: | for your sadness |
| ShellyBell873: | and pain |
| me: | let me clarify |
| ShellyBell873: | you can't hide how you feel but i'm saying you need to take a step back and look at things |
| me: | i believe it that if things were fine between me and her this wouldn't have happened |
| me: | i know |
| me: | that being said |
| me: | i am sick and tired of hearing how he had nothing but good intentions |
| me: | and how he told her he was "worried" about coming between us |
| me: | and how he has not been pressuring her |
| me: | you realize everything he did and said was what she would want to hear |
| me: | of course he wouldn't pressure her, that'd be fucking stupid |
| me: | and of course he's going to sound apologetic for having feelings for her |
| me: | but it's like this |
| ShellyBell873: | all of those things don't matter at all |
| me: | yes, they do |
| ShellyBell873: | no they don't |
| me: | i can guarantee you |
| ShellyBell873: | b/c like i said |
| me: | guarantee you |
| me: | if i was his friend, he wouldn't have done this to me |
| ShellyBell873: | he didn't do anything to you |
| me: | and if you do something to another guy that you wouldn't do to your friend, it's a pretty shitty thing |
| ShellyBell873: | he did nothing to you |
| ShellyBell873: | nothing at all |
| me: | he didn't stop talking to her or hanging out with her |
| ShellyBell873: | why should he |
| ShellyBell873: | they're friends |
| me: | but it wasn't innocent to him |
| me: | it never was |
| ShellyBell873: | ok you need to stop |
| ShellyBell873: | and think about what you're saying |
| me: | you need to fucking understand |
| me: | i have thought about it |
she'll know
and one day she will know the personal hell she's put me in. whether it's when we're back together and I tell her months, years later, or somewhere down the road. she's not going to get away with living forever and not knowing what she's done.
