3/7/08

first update in awhile

blargh

I'm sorry for showing up yesterday without telling you first.

I'd really like to start coming back. Yesterday, I realized how much I missed having people in my life that were close to God. Other groups don't fit in with my schedule, and I can't always make it to church because of Circle K.

But in coming back, I was at least hoping that we could have some kind of peaceful coexistence instead of added stress on both of us when we're around each other. I've tried really hard the past month or so to avoid you if I saw you around so that it made it easier on you, but I'm getting frustrated because I feel like I shouldn't have to do that all the time, especially by this point. I'm also getting tired of the awkward looks, when we do see each other, trying not to make eye contact, and debating whether or not to say hi or ask how the other is doing.

If the awkward stressful way is still easier on you, then let me know, but I was hoping that we could move past that and at least have a civil acquaintanceship if nothing else.

Let me know how you feel about this...and again, have a great spring break.

Lauren



then, this.....
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joe number five: do you have time to talk?
beanie at UNC: i do
joe number five: it might be easier than trying to reply to your msg
beanie at UNC: yea
joe number five: you can come back to PCM if you want, i couldn't tell anyone not to go no matter what the circumstances
joe number five: but something i can't promise is that i'm gonna be acting normal around you alright
joe number five: there's a reason i've had you blocked and on limited profile
joe number five: it's not arbitrary
joe number five: and it has nothing to do with me not being over you, not really at this point
beanie at UNC: it's more that you just want nothing to do with me
joe number five: it's not gonna be that way forever but as i said it's just something i can't deal with in a positive way
joe number five: it's just gonna stress me out or piss me off or distract me or not help me progress or any number of things
joe number five: and you know i've tried to be as polite as i can but it's been pretty annoying to me when you've been contacting me alot the past week especially
joe number five: when i asked you to respect my space.
beanie at UNC: I apologize
joe number five: and then just having you show up unexpected threw me off too.
beanie at UNC: I needed to come. I needed to be around people
joe number five: that's fine
joe number five: i understand
joe number five: and that contributed somewhat to how i acted too, it'd been a shitty day for me too
joe number five: and then seeing you when i wasn't really expecting it on top of it was just a bit much
joe number five: i know you've apologized
joe number five: you don't have to again
joe number five: i'm just explaining
beanie at UNC: I figured if I had told you ahead of time, you might not have come, and I figured you needed that too at that moment in time. I talked with a couple people beforehand to make sure I could hang out with them so I could make it as less awkward for you as I could
beanie at UNC: I've been trying my best to give you your space. My bad about contacting you about the internship thing, I was really excited and thought you might be happy for me or maybe it might stem some kind of conversation. And I remember you originally saying that I didn't need to go through someone else to give you the book back, but apparently I did
beanie at UNC: I'm just tired of always trying to avoid you and giving up areas of my life so that I can make it easier for you
joe number five: you don't have to give up anything for me
joe number five: other than talking to me
joe number five: which is my life
joe number five: i really don't feel like i'm asking for groundbreaking things here
beanie at UNC: So...you're basically saying you're preferring the more awkward stressful way of seeing things, and that's fine. But I will be at PCM, and I'm not going to bother trying my best to avoid being where you are anymore
joe number five: i told you you can come to PCM
beanie at UNC: I wasn't asking for permission
joe number five: i know you weren't
beanie at UNC: like i said, i was just asking for peaceful coexistance. but i guess that's not going to happen for a while, if ever
joe number five: look
joe number five: it can happen
joe number five: if you just let it happen!
joe number five: it's not gonna just artificially come back
joe number five: i was hoping that time away from you is how it could happen
joe number five: i know it wasn't the other way
beanie at UNC: i'm here regardless. the only one making it like this is you. and you claim it's what i need, i just can't understand why, if it's not that you're not over the situation yet.
joe number five: i really resent too how you're trying to chalk me up to being the immature one here
beanie at UNC: nevermind, this is going the opposite direction i wanted it to
beanie at UNC: good bye have a good spring break, and i'm sorry again
joe number five: lauren.
joe number five: will you listen to what i have to say?
beanie at UNC: i'm trying, but you're not really telling me anything
joe number five: you're not really letting me
beanie at UNC: i'll stop talking. go
joe number five: give me a second to read back through some things i might want to respond to.
beanie at UNC: ook
joe number five: i know you want to talk to me and want to reestablish a peaceful thing with me or whatever
joe number five: but i really need you to get that it's not just going to happen unless we're both in on it. and 50% of that is me. and by keeping you blocked, etc, clearly i am trying to tell you i'm not.
joe number five: forcing it when it's not there is making it worse, as evidenced by this conversation.
joe number five: now i've done MY best to not respond with what i've really thought to some of your things because i was hoping you would get the message without me having to say something harsh.
joe number five: i am happy for your internship thing. that's great.
joe number five: but right now i just do not feel any inclination at all to share with you about my life
joe number five: i'm sorry for you because you probably would like to know, but whatever.
joe number five: as far as giving up areas of your life...
joe number five: i am asking NOTHING of you other than to respect my space and privacy, and while on a personal level i would rather not see you there i can't ask you to not go to PCM and i wouldn't ask you not to
joe number five: but don't ask me to be something i'm not.
joe number five: don't ask me to fake it.
joe number five: reestablishing anything with you, peaceful coexistence, friendship, etc
joe number five: can only happen if it's real
joe number five: on honest terms
joe number five: i am not cool with a "peaceful" coexistence based on me bullshitting
joe number five: is that really what you'd want anyway?
joe number five: but i really do not get where you're coming from by acting like i'm some immature kid here
joe number five: i'm the one who has clearly said what i am feeling or what i am confused about or what i'd like you to respect, and you're the one who has lately not respected it.
joe number five: just because i am dealing differently than you
joe number five: (and we are looking backwards at the past 4 months from EXTREMELY different perspectives)
joe number five: does not make me somehow less stable or whatever.
joe number five: to answer your original statement....yes right now i want nothing to do with you.
joe number five: that doesn't mean forever, but right now.
joe number five: and i'm done but i don't like you just cutting off conversation anytime i start to say something honest and real.
beanie at UNC: i wish i could do more to help. i wish i could just disappear from your life completely, but unfortunately that can't happen. we're on the same campus and have common friends, and at some point you're going to have to learn to deal with it, because in the real world, there are going to be people that you're going to have to interact with every day that you don't want anything to do with. i'm just trying to make you see that eventually it's going to have to happen, otherwise no progress will be made. by cutting me off completely, you're not learning to deal with me there, you're learning to deal by yourself, and you'll never be ready to see me or talk to me or be ok with me being there.
beanie at UNC: that's the point i'm getting at
beanie at UNC: and i'm sorry you can't see it, and i'm sorry that i can't see it from your side. and i'm honestly trying my best to give you your space...but when i don't see the beneficial outcome of it, for either side, it's frustrating.
beanie at UNC: but it's your choice, and you're going to do what you want and i understand that, and i respect that
beanie at UNC: i just wish i had never put you through all of this, or us through all of this. and that's my fault, you don't have to say it. i wish i could say "my bad" and go back to august and change everything
beanie at UNC: but i cant and someday we're both going to have to learn to deal with it
beanie at UNC: *august 2006
joe number five: oh so now you wish we never happened?
joe number five: you wish we never met?
beanie at UNC: i'm not saying that.
beanie at UNC: i wouldn't give it up for anything.
joe number five: please clarify
beanie at UNC: but i hate seeing you like this
joe number five: ok
joe number five: i was about to say..
beanie at UNC: i've told you before that i would never think that
joe number five: i know but that statement was confusing
joe number five: anyway
joe number five: irrelevant
joe number five: but look
joe number five: it may be in "the real world" (which i wasn't aware i was out of) that i have to deal with people on an everday basis i don't want anything to do with
joe number five: but you're in a pretty unique situation
joe number five: to put it lightly
joe number five: i can deal with people i disagree with or piss me off fairly easily
joe number five: " by cutting me off completely, you're not learning to deal with me there, you're learning to deal by yourself, and you'll never be ready to see me or talk to me or be ok with me being there. "
joe number five: ah damn i lost my font
joe number five: ok
joe number five: that i disagree with
joe number five: all i know is by doing what i was doing, twice i tried btw, wasn't cutting it for me
joe number five: it was mentally stressful, it was emotionally confusing, it was alot of things i can't really even express.
joe number five: but i'm not doing what i'm doing because i never want to have anything to do with you again
joe number five: from your perspective you may not understand because you were the one initiating all this but jesus man let me deal with it how i want and not JUDGE ME for it
joe number five: time takes time
beanie at UNC: 1) i never said i was judging, just trying to understand and 2) i don't think you're going to realize when you are ready if you're just ignoring it.
joe number five: i'm not ignoring it lauren
joe number five: you think i don't think about you?
beanie at UNC: i think it comes up and you push it out
joe number five: you don't think i think about how i am with all this?
joe number five: well you aren't me, and that is incorrect
joe number five: it just is
joe number five: i just....
joe number five: and i'm making very frustrated hand gestures if you could see me
joe number five: when i'm not typing.
joe number five: obviously
beanie at UNC: lol
joe number five: i just think that for me
joe number five: internalizing it or talking about it with other people
joe number five: not you
joe number five: is how i'm dealing
joe number five: and it's not because i want to get back with you!
joe number five: go do your own thing, whatever
joe number five: despite my near getting in a relationship, which would have been a bad idea with that girl, i'm enjoying being single anywya.
joe number five: and don't want to be tied up going into the summer at this point
joe number five: i just need a break from it, and a break from thinking about those things, which includes you
joe number five: i just need a mental break from this man
beanie at UNC: Joe, I'm not saying that that's what you're trying to do or that's what you're thinking. and I want you to enjoy yourself whether it's single or with another person. I just don't understand why it has to be like this, why it has to be stressful enough that you need a break from it
joe number five: i wish i could understand it too
beanie at UNC: and I guess I can't understand that, neither of us can otherwise it wouldn't be
joe number five: but it is what it is
joe number five: and don't try to force it to be what it's not
joe number five: i promise you when i'm cool with it i'll talk to you
joe number five: i don't see it happening for awhile but it could be sooner than later, who knows
joe number five: originally i was thinking until the start of summer or so, not really based on anything than just a gauge
joe number five: but doing this and aggravating me and sending me messages when i've tried to hint i don't want them, not progressive towards that goal
joe number five: at least get that much
beanie at UNC: i didn't mean to aggravate you; this entire thing has been aggravating to me too. but i'll try my best
beanie at UNC: i guess that's about it
beanie at UNC: good luck on your endeavors.
joe number five: my endeavors, haha, this isn't a press conference
joe number five: i know you didn't mean to aggravate me
joe number five: just....know that i am/was aggravated
joe number five: sorry if you think i'm being a douche or something
beanie at UNC: i don't think you're being a douche. i think you're being stubborn, but not being a douche.
beanie at UNC: but that's just me. and you probably think i'm stubborn too
beanie at UNC: so it's all good
joe number five: yep
joe number five: FWIW thanks for not pushing it too much last night, i know you probably wanted to hug me
beanie at UNC: it was harder not to ask how you were doing or what you were doing for spring break than to not hug you, as much as i would have liked that.
joe number five: well i was thinking more of the vigil stuff but yeah
joe number five: anyway
beanie at UNC: i can't think of anything else i wanted to say
joe number five: me either really
joe number five: and maybe the PCM thing will be good, but please don't expect anything out of it
beanie at UNC: ok
beanie at UNC: thank you for at least understanding that
joe number five: i mean maybe it will be good in that i'll have a better idea of knowing if i'm ready or not to talk to you and a chance to
joe number five: but like i said, don't expect anything.
beanie at UNC: I'll try my best not to
joe number five: just, don't

joe number five: i'd really appreciate you not making me feel bad about this too
joe number five: i know you can't understand, etc
joe number five: it is just what is needed for me
joe number five: and i'm the best judge of that
beanie at UNC: again, i'm trying my best not to make you feel bad about it. but i have to be honest as well.
joe number five: fair enough
joe number five: and see this is why i don't want you to just say goodbye when things start getting a little heated. i think we've made a little progress at least.
beanie at UNC: yeah. it just felt like it was getting heated in the wrong way. i didn't want a blame session
beanie at UNC: i wanted to talk
joe number five: yeah
joe number five: i'm tired and i'm about to go eat
beanie at UNC: i have to go do inspections anyway
joe number five: alright
joe number five: i am gonna reblock you for now
beanie at UNC: bye joe
joe number five: sorry
beanie at UNC: i understand
joe number five: bye
beanie at UNC signed off at 5:24:28 PM.

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