God damn I fucked up

Joe -

Your last response was really uncalled for. It was nothing but attacking and hypocritical. Let me remind you that I have done nothing to deserve any of that, and maybe you attacking myself and/or Eric is just YOUR way of making YOURSELF feel better. But I’m going to write back this one last time, because I couldn’t justify all of that without a response. After this, don’t bother responding, because it’s obvious that this email conversation isn’t going anywhere productive and is more or less you getting steam out and telling me what you think I need in order to “get better”…because in your mind, not only is what I did fucked up, but I’m fucked up as well…

But let me move onto some “specific points”:

- “will you ever be happy the way you are now if the other person in a relationship is totally okay in their life? Do you need to save people in order to feel validated? These are important questions.”

First off, lifting someone up is completely different from saving someone. You can be lifting each other up and growing as people without saving the person or changing them or whatever. You can both be totally okay in your life, but regardless of wherever you are in your life, you are always changing, and a good relationship is one in which it is changing you for the better. Second off, I don’t feel like I need to save people in order to feel validated. I gave you examples of being a camp counselor, babysitting, Circle K, not necessarily relationships. I know who I am, and I never said anything about not knowing who I was.

I went through a rough spot last semester. I was seeing a counselor, yes. But I found out that the root of my rough spot was our relationship in that it was leaving something empty and that should be in a relationship and disturbing something in me more than I had control over. To this day I can’t point out what it was, but it’s not that I wasn’t happy with myself, or that I, myself, had an empty part, it was that there was something wrong with what should have been there in that situation. Two or three weeks afterwards, I stopped seeing the counselor because I was more comfortable with who I was and where I was going…I was happy again, not because of Eric, or because of anything else, but because things were finally at peace with me. I can promise you I’m not clinically depressed. I go through moments, but everyone does. Clinically depressed is when you can’t feel an interest in anything, nothing makes you happy, and no matter how hard you try you can’t shake the feeling of loneliness. This isn’t me at all, and I’m kind of disappointed that you would suggest that. I told you that yesterday wasn’t me thinking clearly. I was shaken up, shouldn’t have done it, and regardless if I had or not, telling you was probably my biggest mistake, because it only justifies your cause. Be assured I won’t do that again, nor will I let what you say get to me to that extent again.

- “I did and do encourage you to do the things you love. Maybe I didn't take enough interest in it, that is my fault and a mistake I will not repeat with you or anyone else. You never gave me a chance to correct it. You never asked me to take more interest in it. If you had of course I would have. And don't even try to tell me that for the overwhelming majority of our relationship we didn't connect mentally, physically, spiritually and emotionally, or that we didn't get each other.”

I did talk with you about it, quite a bit actually, especially in the last few weeks. And I got responses such as “Well, it was nice knowing you” or “You work too much” or “That’s nice”. I did give you a chance to correct it. That’s why I waited a month for things to get better, and they never did. You never caught on, you never listened, and you didn’t think it was as big of a deal as it was. So if it wasn’t big enough of a deal to you, then I didn’t feel like I was either. And for the last part, I never once said that for the majority of our relationship we didn’t connect or that we didn’t get each other. I believe my EXACT words were “somewhere near the end of our relationship, I lost some of that connectivity and interpersonal identification.” Somewhere near the end, not the majority, so don’t put words into my mouth.

- “But I am now at the point where while I recognize the "fucked upness" of it, I really only laugh at it and pity you. You need help. I'll be there and here for you the second you call me.”

Please tell me how I can come to someone who just laughs at me and pities me and thinks I need help. I’m sorry I put you in that situation, and I’ve apologized a million times. And I’ll let you continue thinking it’s fucked up because I know nothing is going to change your mind. But all in all, saying that was pretty fucked up. I know that our breakup hurt your pride and self esteem, and that I hurt you deeply, but it seems like regardless of how well you say you’re doing, you’re still not coming to terms with the fact that things change and no one really has control over it…not you, not me, nobody. But I realize that until you accept that, you’re going to regard everything that happened as a personal attack, and as long as you feel that way you’re going to continue turning my words around so that you can prove to me and to yourself that you’re right, even though in situations such as this, there is no right or wrong and if there was, neither one of us would be the ones to judge which was which, and neither would anyone else.

Again, don’t bother responding. I’m not putting myself through this for nothing. Don’t mark this as a me blowing off steam, or a me attacking you back. It was simply a defensive response, to keep you from jumping to conclusions and to make you realize that as far as I’m concerned, you don’t really have a say in where I am in my life at this point in time. I would love for you to have a say, but if you’re going to act like this, putting me down, criticizing me, telling me that you pity me…I can’t let you.

Maybe someday things will change, but for right now I can’t say that. I’m not looking into the future, I’m not planning for anything in particular. I’m going day by day, doing what I do, and enjoying life. If change is going to happen, it’s going to happen and I don’t have control over it. Nothing has changed with how I feel about you, and nothing will ever change that, but I’m sorry it can’t be what you want it to be.

Lauren