whatever and ever

I don't know why but the past day or two I've been missing her more. Can't put my finger on it. I'm improving and am doing a lot better than I have been but....recently it's hit me harder. Last night I had another one of those miss her really bad nights.

I guess I have some hope that things with her and Eric aren't going great but I know they've probably seen alot of each other the past week. and will more.

If I can't have her back I want somebody in my life. Someone new to focus on. Someone new that appreciates me.

I didn't do anything wrong to her god damn it. I treated her so well. Fuck her for not realizing it.

one more thing


this is the worst i've felt in weeks


i really need to hook up with someone, anyone

downswingish

Probably the worst day with my feelings with her since the contact was broken off. Now I'm wondering if it was so smart to have done that. I just want to get back with her, or if I just knew that we would be back together later.

I have an exam tomorrow that I've hardly studied for, but I just can't care right now. I miss her too much.

I wish I could go back to last year....

I'm going to try to travel and have some fun over winter break (going to Montreat for a week, woot, and hopefully Wilmington a little..) and hopefully being away from campus will help my mind. On the other hand I can't help but imagine her being with Eric, getting closer to him, starting to fall for him, realizing he's not a rebound....

..and then I'll be fucked for a long time.

I really want to reestablish contact after winter break, whether I'm better or not. I think I will be better, but I just want to be able for her to at least think it even if I am not. Maybe go for a Lenoir dinner when we get back sometime before classes start, then maybe just a long nice talk.

If/when I ever get back with her again, however long from now it is (month, several months, a year, later), it'll have to happen on these terms
- me showing I'm happy/confident/strong
- having a really good conversation with her. showing that we really do connect.
- not trying too hard and making her want me that way.


but what if she never stops being with eric?




fuck

something's missing

Day 1 of zero contact or anything...

It kills me to know she's online somewhere. That she has an away message up that I can't read. That she's done shit on Facebook I don't know about, a bulletin on Myspace.

I know this is all for the better but....it already feels empty. Not as depressing as before or in the same way, just emptiness.

I hope by her being in the same way w/ me it brings it about some too, that maybe this will make her miss me.

I'm sure it'll be easier as it goes on but right now it's just hard.

It's also hard knowing that I can look at it anytime I really wanted; she doesn't have me blocked on AIM or FB back, which I asked so that whenever I am ready to talk to her I can look at it.

look at the time

Exactly 1 month ago my world was shattered. Almost exactly at this time (watched the office, talked for about an hour)

Wow.


I'm thinking about going nuclear on this shit.


Maybe don't give an explanation but just cut off all contact?