More correspondance..

Lauren Beanie Burianek wrote:
First off, I want to say a little bit about yesterday. I wasn’t quite sure why I reacted the way I did – thinking back on it, I guess I expected that since we hadn’t talked in a while about anything that you were becoming more and more okay with it…instead I got completely shot down, analyzed, and torn apart, which may have been something I needed. But at the time, I was sitting alone, and since I can’t exactly go to Eric about you…I didn’t really have anyone to turn to. Most of my really good friends can count on me to always be there for them, but when it comes to me trying to lean on them in turn, I don’t think they really know how to handle it. This is where me being really good at pretending everything is alright comes in. I’ve been doing it since middle school when my parents starting tearing me down as well. Usually, though, I’ll have something there that I know is built up and that I can lean on instead. But since you were tearing down that as well, I didn’t even have that. This isn’t an excuse by any mean, what I did was extremely stupid…but it’s a reason. I was still able to go downstairs for a meeting and no one knew that anything was wrong…

As for taking time to myself, I haven’t been “really, technically” single for more than four months since I was in eighth grade. I don’t think it’s that I’m not happy being by myself, but that discovering who I am isn’t something I can do alone. The times I get to figure out who I am are those weekends I’m at Circle K events, when I’m up on stage, leading 1600 people in ice breakers, when I’m singing songs with a bunch of third graders, or taking care of the babies and toddlers at the church nursery. I figure out who I am when I have people there, looking up to me, looking to me for guidance and support in some way or another. That’s when I’m happiest. When I’m by myself, there’s no one there to do that. When I feel unneeded, that’s when I start to think my life has no purpose and I create some form of work for me to do through volunteering, service, etc. Is this all completely healthy? Maybe not. But in all honesty, it’s not something I can change. It’s the way I’ve been all my life. Different people come to happiness and acceptance of theirselves in different ways, that’s part of what makes us different…we all have a different story and a different path that got us to where we are.

But my way is what allows me to succeed, what allows me to do what I love, what allows me to be who I am in a relationship. So it’s not that I need to be in a relationship to make me happy, but I like to be surrounded by people that will push me up, encourage me to do the things I love, take an interest in those things, and actually love that I do those things, but people that I can also do the same to, so that we can all be lifting each other up in a mutually beneficial relationship to become better people at the same time.

Unfortunately, with a lot of my friends from back home (Susan, Michele, Anna, you know the crowd), I do a lot of lifting, and not a lot of being lifted up. So, especially when other people are going through a hard time, I need someone there to keep me standing. That’s where having a relationship comes in.

Don’t get me wrong though…it’s not the only reason I’ll put myself into the position to have a relationship. It isn’t just for my benefit, or for theirs. It’s based on how well I can connect with someone, mentally, physically, spiritually and emotionally, someone that I can identify with and someone that truly gets me. Somewhere near the end of our relationship, I lost some of that connectivity and interpersonal identification. I stopped seeing us and saw you and me instead. The reason I wasn’t happy was because I stopped having that person that I could lift up and could lift me up as well. We both just stopped doing that, or stopped being able to do that.

On a completely other side, I am very relieved that you’ve become happier and that you’re finding yourself without me, and I can definitely see the changes that you’ve been making. Even from lunch the other week, talking about how you want to take a homeless person out to dinner or lunch once a week or so was just a small pointer towards that, and I do admire you a lot for that. I wish you the best of luck in continuing to do so, and I hope that you meet a lot of people along the way.

That’s all for now, take care…

Lauren

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Me:






I'm sorry I hurt you yesterday and I felt awful about it.

Are you happy with who you are as a person? Are you happy just being you by -your own- validation?? Because that's ultimately what is best for you and the point you need to reach. I tried during our relationship to make you be happy being you through validating you, and until mid-September I think I was good at it. I don't know why I failed or whatever. But ultimately if you need other people to validate you as a person, that is simply not a good place to be in, and you need to realize that. Your desire to be needed by people, including boyfriends, is just not good. It's not. It's also not good on the other person--you're basically asking them to feel needy. Well if you want someone who is needy then I guess maybe Eric is your guy, sounds like it. But that's not me anymore and I would think you would want someone that is happy with themselves and can take care of themselves, but is also there for the hard times and supportive. That's what a relationship should be, and you will never be totally happy with one for a long period of time until that is the case.

Different people come to different ways of being happy....but they are not all good ways, and they are not all actually happy. That's the difference. There is a difference between a fleeting happiness for a moment, a day, a week, a month and one that is steady there, a foundation. Is a drug addict happy because he gets endorphins from shooting up? That's an extreme example of course, but I know and what you need to realize is that relying on people needing you is NOT a good way to be happy, and it will never totally fulfill you. Now it's a great thing to help others of course, do not get me wrong at all. And being needed is part of what can fulfill you even more. But it does not serve as a good baseline for happiness. You need to be able to sit in your own skin and just be happy when other people are not needing you. There is always SOMEONE out there who needs SOMETHING, but of those close around you...will you ever be happy the way you are now if the other person in a relationship is totally okay in their life? Do you need to save people in order to feel validated? These are important questions.

Baby I know you try so hard to lift others up. I lifted you up so many times, I know. And you lifted ME up so many times, even if you thought you didn't. I tried to keep you standing myself. But you never gave me a chance in October to really help you. You ended it before I could, and then I was in no shape to help anybody with anything. But you know what? I'm better now, and the next time if there is a next time you will discover that I am exactly who you need if you want to be lifted up. But you need to be able to be happy with me even when you aren't lifting me up. Not because you weren't able to but because you can't, but because I am fine and don't need to always be lifted up. I was FINE in the end of our relationship, because I had no idea anything as serious as what happened was happening. I didn't NEED to be lifted up. Maybe that's what you saw at the State Fair, someone who was okay with life as it was.

You really should give me another chance sometime, but not now even if you wanted to dump Eric today and come back to me (and I can say with 99% confidence that's not the case), I wouldn't take you back (also with....well 80% confidence). Because you are not a healthy person right now. You need to take my advice. I really hope you keep seeing a counselor, and I really think you might be clinically depressed. I know I'm saying hard words right now in this email but I have to, I'm sorry. I still love you Lauren. I do love who you are. I did and do encourage you to do the things you love. Maybe I didn't take enough interest in it, that is my fault and a mistake I will not repeat with you or anyone else. You never gave me a chance to correct it. You never asked me to take more interest in it. If you had of course I would have. And don't even try to tell me that for the overwhelming majority of our relationship we didn't connect mentally, physically, spiritually and emotionally, or that we didn't get each other. I love you. It will never make sense for you to say you love me back and then be with someone else. That is still pretty fucked up. But I am now at the point where while I recognize the "fucked upness" of it, I really only laugh at it and pity you. You need help. I'll be there and here for you the second you call me.

Don't think that we can't get the connection back either. Don't believe that. At least be open to the possibility it could happen. If you think we can't get it back then I question how much you really loved me and were connected to me in the first place. But I was sure connected to you.

Joe