Email i sent out:
I guess if I see you in person I can tell you these things in person. Some of them I already said on AIM but I wanted to reemphasize things. I want to also respond more clearly to some things. Most of all I want you to feel better. Right now I feel like crap knowing you're not feeling good.
I really wish you had given yourself time to just be single. Sure you were technically single. But in reality you have been talking to Eric and acting like a relationship since right after our break up. Personally that hurt me but I also think that was a mistake for yourself. Why is that? Because right now, basically since Montreat, I am rediscovering who I am--without you. And it is great. I love it. I love remembering the things I like to do. I love going to parties without knowing many people and being able to flirt, socialize, etc freely. I'm being more outgoing, more social, more friendly, everything, and I know it's going to continue. I'm going to get back into working out this week and will actually stick with it for hopefully a very long time. I have made it a personal mission to take this horrible thing in my life and make it a positive, and it's working so far. It has retooled me into a better person. I have made myself feel happy just being ME, not "me with Lauren". Who I don't think are that different of people.
I want you to see the improved, better me, but I haven't had any chances--the one lunch we had I was just trying to make as much small talk as I could, it wasn't easy for me. I think if you ever give the new me a chance you'll be pleasantly surprised. Obviously you can't and won't now and I won't expect you to. And honestly? This is why I think it's a downgrade. I don't mean this to sound cocky way but in a healthily self-confident way that I think you made a huge mistake for your own sake by getting rid of me, especially to rebound like that. It's taken me a bit to come to that point but I have. I still think I'm the right one for you--but I can't hold the spot in my heart for you forever, it's not on reserve for you, and I'm in the process of finding other people to fill it. Will they fill it better than you? Doubtful, but maybe. I also think it's doubtful anyone can fulfill you like I did. What we had was SPECIAL, really special. I don't think you fully appreciate how special it was. I don't know why we got away from that feeling but I wish you wouldn't discount the rest of our relationship due to a bad 6 week stretch. But I think you'll come to realize that, even if it means dating other people, and hopefully when you do it won't be too late.
As far as getting away from a relationship and just being myself, I really think you needed (need?) to do the same. Get some TRUE time to yourself and stop depending on a boyfriend or significant other or whatever to make you happy, which is what I feel that you need (explaining the rebound). It is not healthy to depend on anyone else for your happiness. I don't think I did until we broke up. I found that out the hard way when the person I did depend on and trust my happiness with took it behind the woodshed so to speak. That was a flaw in our relationship for awhile I guess, I think more on your end for the most part. But it won't be a repeated mistake, not with you or anyone. That's the great thing about being happy with yourself and that's what I meant when I said "you don't own my emotions anymore". I'm happy without you. But I would like to be happy with you.
Now to some specific points...
- " I ended up the bad person in this, and you can tell everyone else I am
> sorry too, because obviously everyone has taken your side and no one has
> come to me to see how I’m doing, which leads me to doubt what you said
> about never talking negatively about me after we broke up"
People are not acting a certain way to you based on what I say. They're doing it based on how they perceive and judge your actions. This is something you cannot blame me for. Obviously my good friends are going to have my back in this, but I think most neutral parties do too. The fact is everyone knew you had been seeing Eric, as you made it public enough yourself with your pictures and whatnot. Now some people might not talk to you for a couple reasons: A) they don't feel comfortable enough to ask you how you're holding up because they aren't that close to you, B) they assume you're doing alright because you are REALLY good at making yourself appear happy when things are shitty (another lesson I learned in October), or C) they judged your actions to be shitty like I have. But what I say in regards to you is always going to be taken with a grain of salt by everyone who knows us because I'm obviously biased in the situation. Does that mean everyone thinks you're a bitch? No, of course not. And I certainly don't, not at all. We're all mostly just confused.
For better or worse you did throw me away babe. And for awhile I thought that was for worse, but maybe after all you throwing me away will be for the better--not just for me but for a future "us" if it ever happens. That's the good news. The other good news is, as you know, I want to see the good in people and I don't see you as a bad person at all. I know you've been going through a shit time too, or went through. I know you're confused. I'm just now getting clarity myself. I think time away from people will help you get it too, so whenever this relationship ends I suggest doing that.
Alot of this very very long email may not make much sense right now or you may not agree with it now. But the main thing right now that I want you to take away is that I am happy. So don't go feeling bad about yourself because I'm in pain. I'm not really in pain anymore. It's still sort of there, but it's very distant.
Please respond back if you want. Email correspondance might be best, since we each can have time to clearly say what we want to say.
-Joe
No comments:
Post a Comment