first update in awhile

blargh

I'm sorry for showing up yesterday without telling you first.

I'd really like to start coming back. Yesterday, I realized how much I missed having people in my life that were close to God. Other groups don't fit in with my schedule, and I can't always make it to church because of Circle K.

But in coming back, I was at least hoping that we could have some kind of peaceful coexistence instead of added stress on both of us when we're around each other. I've tried really hard the past month or so to avoid you if I saw you around so that it made it easier on you, but I'm getting frustrated because I feel like I shouldn't have to do that all the time, especially by this point. I'm also getting tired of the awkward looks, when we do see each other, trying not to make eye contact, and debating whether or not to say hi or ask how the other is doing.

If the awkward stressful way is still easier on you, then let me know, but I was hoping that we could move past that and at least have a civil acquaintanceship if nothing else.

Let me know how you feel about this...and again, have a great spring break.

Lauren



then, this.....
--------------------

joe number five: do you have time to talk?

beanie at UNC: i do

joe number five: it might be easier than trying to reply to your msg

beanie at UNC: yea

joe number five: you can come back to PCM if you want, i couldn't tell anyone not to go no matter what the circumstances

joe number five: but something i can't promise is that i'm gonna be acting normal around you alright

joe number five: there's a reason i've had you blocked and on limited profile

joe number five: it's not arbitrary

joe number five: and it has nothing to do with me not being over you, not really at this point

beanie at UNC: it's more that you just want nothing to do with me

joe number five: it's not gonna be that way forever but as i said it's just something i can't deal with in a positive way

joe number five: it's just gonna stress me out or piss me off or distract me or not help me progress or any number of things

joe number five: and you know i've tried to be as polite as i can but it's been pretty annoying to me when you've been contacting me alot the past week especially

joe number five: when i asked you to respect my space.

beanie at UNC: I apologize

joe number five: and then just having you show up unexpected threw me off too.

beanie at UNC: I needed to come. I needed to be around people

joe number five: that's fine

joe number five: i understand

joe number five: and that contributed somewhat to how i acted too, it'd been a shitty day for me too

joe number five: and then seeing you when i wasn't really expecting it on top of it was just a bit much

joe number five: i know you've apologized

joe number five: you don't have to again

joe number five: i'm just explaining

beanie at UNC: I figured if I had told you ahead of time, you might not have come, and I figured you needed that too at that moment in time. I talked with a couple people beforehand to make sure I could hang out with them so I could make it as less awkward for you as I could

beanie at UNC: I've been trying my best to give you your space. My bad about contacting you about the internship thing, I was really excited and thought you might be happy for me or maybe it might stem some kind of conversation. And I remember you originally saying that I didn't need to go through someone else to give you the book back, but apparently I did

beanie at UNC: I'm just tired of always trying to avoid you and giving up areas of my life so that I can make it easier for you

joe number five: you don't have to give up anything for me

joe number five: other than talking to me

joe number five: which is my life

joe number five: i really don't feel like i'm asking for groundbreaking things here

beanie at UNC: So...you're basically saying you're preferring the more awkward stressful way of seeing things, and that's fine. But I will be at PCM, and I'm not going to bother trying my best to avoid being where you are anymore

joe number five: i told you you can come to PCM

beanie at UNC: I wasn't asking for permission

joe number five: i know you weren't

beanie at UNC: like i said, i was just asking for peaceful coexistance. but i guess that's not going to happen for a while, if ever

joe number five: look

joe number five: it can happen

joe number five: if you just let it happen!

joe number five: it's not gonna just artificially come back

joe number five: i was hoping that time away from you is how it could happen

joe number five: i know it wasn't the other way

beanie at UNC: i'm here regardless. the only one making it like this is you. and you claim it's what i need, i just can't understand why, if it's not that you're not over the situation yet.

joe number five: i really resent too how you're trying to chalk me up to being the immature one here

beanie at UNC: nevermind, this is going the opposite direction i wanted it to

beanie at UNC: good bye have a good spring break, and i'm sorry again

joe number five: lauren.

joe number five: will you listen to what i have to say?

beanie at UNC: i'm trying, but you're not really telling me anything

joe number five: you're not really letting me

beanie at UNC: i'll stop talking. go

joe number five: give me a second to read back through some things i might want to respond to.

beanie at UNC: ook

joe number five: i know you want to talk to me and want to reestablish a peaceful thing with me or whatever

joe number five: but i really need you to get that it's not just going to happen unless we're both in on it. and 50% of that is me. and by keeping you blocked, etc, clearly i am trying to tell you i'm not.

joe number five: forcing it when it's not there is making it worse, as evidenced by this conversation.

joe number five: now i've done MY best to not respond with what i've really thought to some of your things because i was hoping you would get the message without me having to say something harsh.

joe number five: i am happy for your internship thing. that's great.

joe number five: but right now i just do not feel any inclination at all to share with you about my life

joe number five: i'm sorry for you because you probably would like to know, but whatever.

joe number five: as far as giving up areas of your life...

joe number five: i am asking NOTHING of you other than to respect my space and privacy, and while on a personal level i would rather not see you there i can't ask you to not go to PCM and i wouldn't ask you not to

joe number five: but don't ask me to be something i'm not.

joe number five: don't ask me to fake it.

joe number five: reestablishing anything with you, peaceful coexistence, friendship, etc

joe number five: can only happen if it's real

joe number five: on honest terms

joe number five: i am not cool with a "peaceful" coexistence based on me bullshitting

joe number five: is that really what you'd want anyway?

joe number five: but i really do not get where you're coming from by acting like i'm some immature kid here

joe number five: i'm the one who has clearly said what i am feeling or what i am confused about or what i'd like you to respect, and you're the one who has lately not respected it.

joe number five: just because i am dealing differently than you

joe number five: (and we are looking backwards at the past 4 months from EXTREMELY different perspectives)

joe number five: does not make me somehow less stable or whatever.

joe number five: to answer your original statement....yes right now i want nothing to do with you.

joe number five: that doesn't mean forever, but right now.

joe number five: and i'm done but i don't like you just cutting off conversation anytime i start to say something honest and real.

beanie at UNC: i wish i could do more to help. i wish i could just disappear from your life completely, but unfortunately that can't happen. we're on the same campus and have common friends, and at some point you're going to have to learn to deal with it, because in the real world, there are going to be people that you're going to have to interact with every day that you don't want anything to do with. i'm just trying to make you see that eventually it's going to have to happen, otherwise no progress will be made. by cutting me off completely, you're not learning to deal with me there, you're learning to deal by yourself, and you'll never be ready to see me or talk to me or be ok with me being there.

beanie at UNC: that's the point i'm getting at

beanie at UNC: and i'm sorry you can't see it, and i'm sorry that i can't see it from your side. and i'm honestly trying my best to give you your space...but when i don't see the beneficial outcome of it, for either side, it's frustrating.

beanie at UNC: but it's your choice, and you're going to do what you want and i understand that, and i respect that

beanie at UNC: i just wish i had never put you through all of this, or us through all of this. and that's my fault, you don't have to say it. i wish i could say "my bad" and go back to august and change everything

beanie at UNC: but i cant and someday we're both going to have to learn to deal with it

beanie at UNC: *august 2006

joe number five: oh so now you wish we never happened?

joe number five: you wish we never met?

beanie at UNC: i'm not saying that.

beanie at UNC: i wouldn't give it up for anything.

joe number five: please clarify

beanie at UNC: but i hate seeing you like this

joe number five: ok

joe number five: i was about to say..

beanie at UNC: i've told you before that i would never think that

joe number five: i know but that statement was confusing

joe number five: anyway

joe number five: irrelevant

joe number five: but look

joe number five: it may be in "the real world" (which i wasn't aware i was out of) that i have to deal with people on an everday basis i don't want anything to do with

joe number five: but you're in a pretty unique situation

joe number five: to put it lightly

joe number five: i can deal with people i disagree with or piss me off fairly easily

joe number five: " by cutting me off completely, you're not learning to deal with me there, you're learning to deal by yourself, and you'll never be ready to see me or talk to me or be ok with me being there. "

joe number five: ah damn i lost my font

joe number five: ok

joe number five: that i disagree with

joe number five: all i know is by doing what i was doing, twice i tried btw, wasn't cutting it for me

joe number five: it was mentally stressful, it was emotionally confusing, it was alot of things i can't really even express.

joe number five: but i'm not doing what i'm doing because i never want to have anything to do with you again

joe number five: from your perspective you may not understand because you were the one initiating all this but jesus man let me deal with it how i want and not JUDGE ME for it

joe number five: time takes time

beanie at UNC: 1) i never said i was judging, just trying to understand and 2) i don't think you're going to realize when you are ready if you're just ignoring it.

joe number five: i'm not ignoring it lauren

joe number five: you think i don't think about you?

beanie at UNC: i think it comes up and you push it out

joe number five: you don't think i think about how i am with all this?

joe number five: well you aren't me, and that is incorrect

joe number five: it just is

joe number five: i just....

joe number five: and i'm making very frustrated hand gestures if you could see me

joe number five: when i'm not typing.

joe number five: obviously

beanie at UNC: lol

joe number five: i just think that for me

joe number five: internalizing it or talking about it with other people

joe number five: not you

joe number five: is how i'm dealing

joe number five: and it's not because i want to get back with you!

joe number five: go do your own thing, whatever

joe number five: despite my near getting in a relationship, which would have been a bad idea with that girl, i'm enjoying being single anywya.

joe number five: and don't want to be tied up going into the summer at this point

joe number five: i just need a break from it, and a break from thinking about those things, which includes you

joe number five: i just need a mental break from this man

beanie at UNC: Joe, I'm not saying that that's what you're trying to do or that's what you're thinking. and I want you to enjoy yourself whether it's single or with another person. I just don't understand why it has to be like this, why it has to be stressful enough that you need a break from it

joe number five: i wish i could understand it too

beanie at UNC: and I guess I can't understand that, neither of us can otherwise it wouldn't be

joe number five: but it is what it is

joe number five: and don't try to force it to be what it's not

joe number five: i promise you when i'm cool with it i'll talk to you

joe number five: i don't see it happening for awhile but it could be sooner than later, who knows

joe number five: originally i was thinking until the start of summer or so, not really based on anything than just a gauge

joe number five: but doing this and aggravating me and sending me messages when i've tried to hint i don't want them, not progressive towards that goal

joe number five: at least get that much

beanie at UNC: i didn't mean to aggravate you; this entire thing has been aggravating to me too. but i'll try my best

beanie at UNC: i guess that's about it

beanie at UNC: good luck on your endeavors.

joe number five: my endeavors, haha, this isn't a press conference

joe number five: i know you didn't mean to aggravate me

joe number five: just....know that i am/was aggravated

joe number five: sorry if you think i'm being a douche or something

beanie at UNC: i don't think you're being a douche. i think you're being stubborn, but not being a douche.

beanie at UNC: but that's just me. and you probably think i'm stubborn too

beanie at UNC: so it's all good

joe number five: yep

joe number five: FWIW thanks for not pushing it too much last night, i know you probably wanted to hug me

beanie at UNC: it was harder not to ask how you were doing or what you were doing for spring break than to not hug you, as much as i would have liked that.

joe number five: well i was thinking more of the vigil stuff but yeah

joe number five: anyway

beanie at UNC: i can't think of anything else i wanted to say

joe number five: me either really

joe number five: and maybe the PCM thing will be good, but please don't expect anything out of it

beanie at UNC: ok

beanie at UNC: thank you for at least understanding that

joe number five: i mean maybe it will be good in that i'll have a better idea of knowing if i'm ready or not to talk to you and a chance to

joe number five: but like i said, don't expect anything.

beanie at UNC: I'll try my best not to

joe number five: just, don't

joe number five: i'd really appreciate you not making me feel bad about this too

joe number five: i know you can't understand, etc

joe number five: it is just what is needed for me

joe number five: and i'm the best judge of that

beanie at UNC: again, i'm trying my best not to make you feel bad about it. but i have to be honest as well.

joe number five: fair enough

joe number five: and see this is why i don't want you to just say goodbye when things start getting a little heated. i think we've made a little progress at least.

beanie at UNC: yeah. it just felt like it was getting heated in the wrong way. i didn't want a blame session

beanie at UNC: i wanted to talk

joe number five: yeah

joe number five: i'm tired and i'm about to go eat

beanie at UNC: i have to go do inspections anyway

joe number five: alright

joe number five: i am gonna reblock you for now

beanie at UNC: bye joe

joe number five: sorry

beanie at UNC: i understand

joe number five: bye

beanie at UNC signed off at 5:24:28 PM.

God damn I fucked up

Joe -

Your last response was really uncalled for. It was nothing but attacking and hypocritical. Let me remind you that I have done nothing to deserve any of that, and maybe you attacking myself and/or Eric is just YOUR way of making YOURSELF feel better. But I’m going to write back this one last time, because I couldn’t justify all of that without a response. After this, don’t bother responding, because it’s obvious that this email conversation isn’t going anywhere productive and is more or less you getting steam out and telling me what you think I need in order to “get better”…because in your mind, not only is what I did fucked up, but I’m fucked up as well…

But let me move onto some “specific points”:

- “will you ever be happy the way you are now if the other person in a relationship is totally okay in their life? Do you need to save people in order to feel validated? These are important questions.”

First off, lifting someone up is completely different from saving someone. You can be lifting each other up and growing as people without saving the person or changing them or whatever. You can both be totally okay in your life, but regardless of wherever you are in your life, you are always changing, and a good relationship is one in which it is changing you for the better. Second off, I don’t feel like I need to save people in order to feel validated. I gave you examples of being a camp counselor, babysitting, Circle K, not necessarily relationships. I know who I am, and I never said anything about not knowing who I was.

I went through a rough spot last semester. I was seeing a counselor, yes. But I found out that the root of my rough spot was our relationship in that it was leaving something empty and that should be in a relationship and disturbing something in me more than I had control over. To this day I can’t point out what it was, but it’s not that I wasn’t happy with myself, or that I, myself, had an empty part, it was that there was something wrong with what should have been there in that situation. Two or three weeks afterwards, I stopped seeing the counselor because I was more comfortable with who I was and where I was going…I was happy again, not because of Eric, or because of anything else, but because things were finally at peace with me. I can promise you I’m not clinically depressed. I go through moments, but everyone does. Clinically depressed is when you can’t feel an interest in anything, nothing makes you happy, and no matter how hard you try you can’t shake the feeling of loneliness. This isn’t me at all, and I’m kind of disappointed that you would suggest that. I told you that yesterday wasn’t me thinking clearly. I was shaken up, shouldn’t have done it, and regardless if I had or not, telling you was probably my biggest mistake, because it only justifies your cause. Be assured I won’t do that again, nor will I let what you say get to me to that extent again.

- “I did and do encourage you to do the things you love. Maybe I didn't take enough interest in it, that is my fault and a mistake I will not repeat with you or anyone else. You never gave me a chance to correct it. You never asked me to take more interest in it. If you had of course I would have. And don't even try to tell me that for the overwhelming majority of our relationship we didn't connect mentally, physically, spiritually and emotionally, or that we didn't get each other.”

I did talk with you about it, quite a bit actually, especially in the last few weeks. And I got responses such as “Well, it was nice knowing you” or “You work too much” or “That’s nice”. I did give you a chance to correct it. That’s why I waited a month for things to get better, and they never did. You never caught on, you never listened, and you didn’t think it was as big of a deal as it was. So if it wasn’t big enough of a deal to you, then I didn’t feel like I was either. And for the last part, I never once said that for the majority of our relationship we didn’t connect or that we didn’t get each other. I believe my EXACT words were “somewhere near the end of our relationship, I lost some of that connectivity and interpersonal identification.” Somewhere near the end, not the majority, so don’t put words into my mouth.

- “But I am now at the point where while I recognize the "fucked upness" of it, I really only laugh at it and pity you. You need help. I'll be there and here for you the second you call me.”

Please tell me how I can come to someone who just laughs at me and pities me and thinks I need help. I’m sorry I put you in that situation, and I’ve apologized a million times. And I’ll let you continue thinking it’s fucked up because I know nothing is going to change your mind. But all in all, saying that was pretty fucked up. I know that our breakup hurt your pride and self esteem, and that I hurt you deeply, but it seems like regardless of how well you say you’re doing, you’re still not coming to terms with the fact that things change and no one really has control over it…not you, not me, nobody. But I realize that until you accept that, you’re going to regard everything that happened as a personal attack, and as long as you feel that way you’re going to continue turning my words around so that you can prove to me and to yourself that you’re right, even though in situations such as this, there is no right or wrong and if there was, neither one of us would be the ones to judge which was which, and neither would anyone else.

Again, don’t bother responding. I’m not putting myself through this for nothing. Don’t mark this as a me blowing off steam, or a me attacking you back. It was simply a defensive response, to keep you from jumping to conclusions and to make you realize that as far as I’m concerned, you don’t really have a say in where I am in my life at this point in time. I would love for you to have a say, but if you’re going to act like this, putting me down, criticizing me, telling me that you pity me…I can’t let you.

Maybe someday things will change, but for right now I can’t say that. I’m not looking into the future, I’m not planning for anything in particular. I’m going day by day, doing what I do, and enjoying life. If change is going to happen, it’s going to happen and I don’t have control over it. Nothing has changed with how I feel about you, and nothing will ever change that, but I’m sorry it can’t be what you want it to be.

Lauren

More correspondance..

Lauren Beanie Burianek wrote:
First off, I want to say a little bit about yesterday. I wasn’t quite sure why I reacted the way I did – thinking back on it, I guess I expected that since we hadn’t talked in a while about anything that you were becoming more and more okay with it…instead I got completely shot down, analyzed, and torn apart, which may have been something I needed. But at the time, I was sitting alone, and since I can’t exactly go to Eric about you…I didn’t really have anyone to turn to. Most of my really good friends can count on me to always be there for them, but when it comes to me trying to lean on them in turn, I don’t think they really know how to handle it. This is where me being really good at pretending everything is alright comes in. I’ve been doing it since middle school when my parents starting tearing me down as well. Usually, though, I’ll have something there that I know is built up and that I can lean on instead. But since you were tearing down that as well, I didn’t even have that. This isn’t an excuse by any mean, what I did was extremely stupid…but it’s a reason. I was still able to go downstairs for a meeting and no one knew that anything was wrong…

As for taking time to myself, I haven’t been “really, technically” single for more than four months since I was in eighth grade. I don’t think it’s that I’m not happy being by myself, but that discovering who I am isn’t something I can do alone. The times I get to figure out who I am are those weekends I’m at Circle K events, when I’m up on stage, leading 1600 people in ice breakers, when I’m singing songs with a bunch of third graders, or taking care of the babies and toddlers at the church nursery. I figure out who I am when I have people there, looking up to me, looking to me for guidance and support in some way or another. That’s when I’m happiest. When I’m by myself, there’s no one there to do that. When I feel unneeded, that’s when I start to think my life has no purpose and I create some form of work for me to do through volunteering, service, etc. Is this all completely healthy? Maybe not. But in all honesty, it’s not something I can change. It’s the way I’ve been all my life. Different people come to happiness and acceptance of theirselves in different ways, that’s part of what makes us different…we all have a different story and a different path that got us to where we are.

But my way is what allows me to succeed, what allows me to do what I love, what allows me to be who I am in a relationship. So it’s not that I need to be in a relationship to make me happy, but I like to be surrounded by people that will push me up, encourage me to do the things I love, take an interest in those things, and actually love that I do those things, but people that I can also do the same to, so that we can all be lifting each other up in a mutually beneficial relationship to become better people at the same time.

Unfortunately, with a lot of my friends from back home (Susan, Michele, Anna, you know the crowd), I do a lot of lifting, and not a lot of being lifted up. So, especially when other people are going through a hard time, I need someone there to keep me standing. That’s where having a relationship comes in.

Don’t get me wrong though…it’s not the only reason I’ll put myself into the position to have a relationship. It isn’t just for my benefit, or for theirs. It’s based on how well I can connect with someone, mentally, physically, spiritually and emotionally, someone that I can identify with and someone that truly gets me. Somewhere near the end of our relationship, I lost some of that connectivity and interpersonal identification. I stopped seeing us and saw you and me instead. The reason I wasn’t happy was because I stopped having that person that I could lift up and could lift me up as well. We both just stopped doing that, or stopped being able to do that.

On a completely other side, I am very relieved that you’ve become happier and that you’re finding yourself without me, and I can definitely see the changes that you’ve been making. Even from lunch the other week, talking about how you want to take a homeless person out to dinner or lunch once a week or so was just a small pointer towards that, and I do admire you a lot for that. I wish you the best of luck in continuing to do so, and I hope that you meet a lot of people along the way.

That’s all for now, take care…

Lauren

----------------
Me:






I'm sorry I hurt you yesterday and I felt awful about it.

Are you happy with who you are as a person? Are you happy just being you by -your own- validation?? Because that's ultimately what is best for you and the point you need to reach. I tried during our relationship to make you be happy being you through validating you, and until mid-September I think I was good at it. I don't know why I failed or whatever. But ultimately if you need other people to validate you as a person, that is simply not a good place to be in, and you need to realize that. Your desire to be needed by people, including boyfriends, is just not good. It's not. It's also not good on the other person--you're basically asking them to feel needy. Well if you want someone who is needy then I guess maybe Eric is your guy, sounds like it. But that's not me anymore and I would think you would want someone that is happy with themselves and can take care of themselves, but is also there for the hard times and supportive. That's what a relationship should be, and you will never be totally happy with one for a long period of time until that is the case.

Different people come to different ways of being happy....but they are not all good ways, and they are not all actually happy. That's the difference. There is a difference between a fleeting happiness for a moment, a day, a week, a month and one that is steady there, a foundation. Is a drug addict happy because he gets endorphins from shooting up? That's an extreme example of course, but I know and what you need to realize is that relying on people needing you is NOT a good way to be happy, and it will never totally fulfill you. Now it's a great thing to help others of course, do not get me wrong at all. And being needed is part of what can fulfill you even more. But it does not serve as a good baseline for happiness. You need to be able to sit in your own skin and just be happy when other people are not needing you. There is always SOMEONE out there who needs SOMETHING, but of those close around you...will you ever be happy the way you are now if the other person in a relationship is totally okay in their life? Do you need to save people in order to feel validated? These are important questions.

Baby I know you try so hard to lift others up. I lifted you up so many times, I know. And you lifted ME up so many times, even if you thought you didn't. I tried to keep you standing myself. But you never gave me a chance in October to really help you. You ended it before I could, and then I was in no shape to help anybody with anything. But you know what? I'm better now, and the next time if there is a next time you will discover that I am exactly who you need if you want to be lifted up. But you need to be able to be happy with me even when you aren't lifting me up. Not because you weren't able to but because you can't, but because I am fine and don't need to always be lifted up. I was FINE in the end of our relationship, because I had no idea anything as serious as what happened was happening. I didn't NEED to be lifted up. Maybe that's what you saw at the State Fair, someone who was okay with life as it was.

You really should give me another chance sometime, but not now even if you wanted to dump Eric today and come back to me (and I can say with 99% confidence that's not the case), I wouldn't take you back (also with....well 80% confidence). Because you are not a healthy person right now. You need to take my advice. I really hope you keep seeing a counselor, and I really think you might be clinically depressed. I know I'm saying hard words right now in this email but I have to, I'm sorry. I still love you Lauren. I do love who you are. I did and do encourage you to do the things you love. Maybe I didn't take enough interest in it, that is my fault and a mistake I will not repeat with you or anyone else. You never gave me a chance to correct it. You never asked me to take more interest in it. If you had of course I would have. And don't even try to tell me that for the overwhelming majority of our relationship we didn't connect mentally, physically, spiritually and emotionally, or that we didn't get each other. I love you. It will never make sense for you to say you love me back and then be with someone else. That is still pretty fucked up. But I am now at the point where while I recognize the "fucked upness" of it, I really only laugh at it and pity you. You need help. I'll be there and here for you the second you call me.

Don't think that we can't get the connection back either. Don't believe that. At least be open to the possibility it could happen. If you think we can't get it back then I question how much you really loved me and were connected to me in the first place. But I was sure connected to you.

Joe

what she wrote

the email from her I got (before the one I sent)

It was a song that I heard of and had stuck in my head, and it did pertain to you a little bit. Joe, I miss you a lot, and there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of you and wonder how you’re doing, if you’ve met someone or tried to meet someone, and I find myself looking at your facebook a lot just to see if I can see what’s been new with you. I, however, put you on limited profile so that you wouldn’t see the pictures and be hurt more and stop talking to me again…because I’m enjoying that I can IM you every once in a while or go grab lunch.

Nothing is ever going to take away the fact that I love you, and I always will. And I know that probably doesn’t mean much to you at all, and I’m still sorry for everything. I am happy where I am, and I feel hurt that you think I’ve downgraded, although I’m sure that it would be hard to think otherwise right now. I’m sorry I hurt you, I’m sorry that I ended up the bad person in this, and you can tell everyone else I am sorry too, because obviously everyone has taken your side and no one has come to me to see how I’m doing, which leads me to doubt what you said about never talking negatively about me after we broke up. I don’t know what to tell you, Joe, except that I am still here, I do still love you, and I think about you every day. I just didn’t feel like it was meant to be with the way I was feeling for a couple months straight. Do I miss it? Do I still sometimes wonder what it would be like to go back? Yes, of course I do. Who wouldn’t? Please don’t feel like I threw you away, because you’re still here….

this shit is scary

Wow, didn't expect this...

beanie at UNC: i read your email...not really quite sure what it said right now...i think i drank about half a bottle of 100 proof soco this morning, i'm not really sure how much. i just poured...and poured. i'm ok, or at least i will be...i have someone looking over me. i want you to be happy. idk why this morning upset me as much as it did. i'll email you later tonight when i can actually focus on what i'm saying more. i'll talk to you later. via email. you're right...that might be the best way. for now i'm going to take a nap and try to sober up some so i can do some work later. i'm sorry again. bye

the welker manifesto

Email i sent out:






I guess if I see you in person I can tell you these things in person. Some of them I already said on AIM but I wanted to reemphasize things. I want to also respond more clearly to some things. Most of all I want you to feel better. Right now I feel like crap knowing you're not feeling good.



I really wish you had given yourself time to just be single. Sure you were technically single. But in reality you have been talking to Eric and acting like a relationship since right after our break up. Personally that hurt me but I also think that was a mistake for yourself. Why is that? Because right now, basically since Montreat, I am rediscovering who I am--without you. And it is great. I love it. I love remembering the things I like to do. I love going to parties without knowing many people and being able to flirt, socialize, etc freely. I'm being more outgoing, more social, more friendly, everything, and I know it's going to continue. I'm going to get back into working out this week and will actually stick with it for hopefully a very long time. I have made it a personal mission to take this horrible thing in my life and make it a positive, and it's working so far. It has retooled me into a better person. I have made myself feel happy just being ME, not "me with Lauren". Who I don't think are that different of people.

I want you to see the improved, better me, but I haven't had any chances--the one lunch we had I was just trying to make as much small talk as I could, it wasn't easy for me. I think if you ever give the new me a chance you'll be pleasantly surprised. Obviously you can't and won't now and I won't expect you to. And honestly? This is why I think it's a downgrade. I don't mean this to sound cocky way but in a healthily self-confident way that I think you made a huge mistake for your own sake by getting rid of me, especially to rebound like that. It's taken me a bit to come to that point but I have. I still think I'm the right one for you--but I can't hold the spot in my heart for you forever, it's not on reserve for you, and I'm in the process of finding other people to fill it. Will they fill it better than you? Doubtful, but maybe. I also think it's doubtful anyone can fulfill you like I did. What we had was SPECIAL, really special. I don't think you fully appreciate how special it was. I don't know why we got away from that feeling but I wish you wouldn't discount the rest of our relationship due to a bad 6 week stretch. But I think you'll come to realize that, even if it means dating other people, and hopefully when you do it won't be too late.

As far as getting away from a relationship and just being myself, I really think you needed (need?) to do the same. Get some TRUE time to yourself and stop depending on a boyfriend or significant other or whatever to make you happy, which is what I feel that you need (explaining the rebound). It is not healthy to depend on anyone else for your happiness. I don't think I did until we broke up. I found that out the hard way when the person I did depend on and trust my happiness with took it behind the woodshed so to speak. That was a flaw in our relationship for awhile I guess, I think more on your end for the most part. But it won't be a repeated mistake, not with you or anyone. That's the great thing about being happy with yourself and that's what I meant when I said "you don't own my emotions anymore". I'm happy without you. But I would like to be happy with you.

Now to some specific points...
- " I ended up the bad person in this, and you can tell everyone else I am
> sorry too, because obviously everyone has taken your side and no one has
> come to me to see how I’m doing, which leads me to doubt what you said
> about never talking negatively about me after we broke up"

People are not acting a certain way to you based on what I say. They're doing it based on how they perceive and judge your actions. This is something you cannot blame me for. Obviously my good friends are going to have my back in this, but I think most neutral parties do too. The fact is everyone knew you had been seeing Eric, as you made it public enough yourself with your pictures and whatnot. Now some people might not talk to you for a couple reasons: A) they don't feel comfortable enough to ask you how you're holding up because they aren't that close to you, B) they assume you're doing alright because you are REALLY good at making yourself appear happy when things are shitty (another lesson I learned in October), or C) they judged your actions to be shitty like I have. But what I say in regards to you is always going to be taken with a grain of salt by everyone who knows us because I'm obviously biased in the situation. Does that mean everyone thinks you're a bitch? No, of course not. And I certainly don't, not at all. We're all mostly just confused.

For better or worse you did throw me away babe. And for awhile I thought that was for worse, but maybe after all you throwing me away will be for the better--not just for me but for a future "us" if it ever happens. That's the good news. The other good news is, as you know, I want to see the good in people and I don't see you as a bad person at all. I know you've been going through a shit time too, or went through. I know you're confused. I'm just now getting clarity myself. I think time away from people will help you get it too, so whenever this relationship ends I suggest doing that.

Alot of this very very long email may not make much sense right now or you may not agree with it now. But the main thing right now that I want you to take away is that I am happy. So don't go feeling bad about yourself because I'm in pain. I'm not really in pain anymore. It's still sort of there, but it's very distant.

Please respond back if you want. Email correspondance might be best, since we each can have time to clearly say what we want to say.

-Joe

haven't updated in awhile

Things have changed alot.

We talk now some.

Not sure if I like it. I want her back.

I am moving on, but I'd take her back in a minute if she wanted me.

The Beach Boys song has been stuck in my head....



I may not always love you
But long as there are stars above you
You never need to doubt it
Ill make you so sure about it

God only knows what I'd be without you

If you should ever leave me
Though life would still go on believe me
The world could show nothing to me
So what good would living do me

God only knows what I'd be without you.