I don't know why but the past day or two I've been missing her more. Can't put my finger on it. I'm improving and am doing a lot better than I have been but....recently it's hit me harder. Last night I had another one of those miss her really bad nights.
I guess I have some hope that things with her and Eric aren't going great but I know they've probably seen alot of each other the past week. and will more.
If I can't have her back I want somebody in my life. Someone new to focus on. Someone new that appreciates me.
I didn't do anything wrong to her god damn it. I treated her so well. Fuck her for not realizing it.
12/20/07
12/11/07
12/7/07
downswingish
Probably the worst day with my feelings with her since the contact was broken off. Now I'm wondering if it was so smart to have done that. I just want to get back with her, or if I just knew that we would be back together later.
I have an exam tomorrow that I've hardly studied for, but I just can't care right now. I miss her too much.
I wish I could go back to last year....
I'm going to try to travel and have some fun over winter break (going to Montreat for a week, woot, and hopefully Wilmington a little..) and hopefully being away from campus will help my mind. On the other hand I can't help but imagine her being with Eric, getting closer to him, starting to fall for him, realizing he's not a rebound....
..and then I'll be fucked for a long time.
I really want to reestablish contact after winter break, whether I'm better or not. I think I will be better, but I just want to be able for her to at least think it even if I am not. Maybe go for a Lenoir dinner when we get back sometime before classes start, then maybe just a long nice talk.
If/when I ever get back with her again, however long from now it is (month, several months, a year, later), it'll have to happen on these terms
- me showing I'm happy/confident/strong
- having a really good conversation with her. showing that we really do connect.
- not trying too hard and making her want me that way.
but what if she never stops being with eric?
fuck
I have an exam tomorrow that I've hardly studied for, but I just can't care right now. I miss her too much.
I wish I could go back to last year....
I'm going to try to travel and have some fun over winter break (going to Montreat for a week, woot, and hopefully Wilmington a little..) and hopefully being away from campus will help my mind. On the other hand I can't help but imagine her being with Eric, getting closer to him, starting to fall for him, realizing he's not a rebound....
..and then I'll be fucked for a long time.
I really want to reestablish contact after winter break, whether I'm better or not. I think I will be better, but I just want to be able for her to at least think it even if I am not. Maybe go for a Lenoir dinner when we get back sometime before classes start, then maybe just a long nice talk.
If/when I ever get back with her again, however long from now it is (month, several months, a year, later), it'll have to happen on these terms
- me showing I'm happy/confident/strong
- having a really good conversation with her. showing that we really do connect.
- not trying too hard and making her want me that way.
but what if she never stops being with eric?
fuck
12/3/07
something's missing
Day 1 of zero contact or anything...
It kills me to know she's online somewhere. That she has an away message up that I can't read. That she's done shit on Facebook I don't know about, a bulletin on Myspace.
I know this is all for the better but....it already feels empty. Not as depressing as before or in the same way, just emptiness.
I hope by her being in the same way w/ me it brings it about some too, that maybe this will make her miss me.
I'm sure it'll be easier as it goes on but right now it's just hard.
It's also hard knowing that I can look at it anytime I really wanted; she doesn't have me blocked on AIM or FB back, which I asked so that whenever I am ready to talk to her I can look at it.
It kills me to know she's online somewhere. That she has an away message up that I can't read. That she's done shit on Facebook I don't know about, a bulletin on Myspace.
I know this is all for the better but....it already feels empty. Not as depressing as before or in the same way, just emptiness.
I hope by her being in the same way w/ me it brings it about some too, that maybe this will make her miss me.
I'm sure it'll be easier as it goes on but right now it's just hard.
It's also hard knowing that I can look at it anytime I really wanted; she doesn't have me blocked on AIM or FB back, which I asked so that whenever I am ready to talk to her I can look at it.
12/1/07
look at the time
Exactly 1 month ago my world was shattered. Almost exactly at this time (watched the office, talked for about an hour)
Wow.
I'm thinking about going nuclear on this shit.
Maybe don't give an explanation but just cut off all contact?
Wow.
I'm thinking about going nuclear on this shit.
Maybe don't give an explanation but just cut off all contact?
11/28/07
out of line?
I thought I was justified in what I was saying and she just didn't want to listen to me. She blocked me at the end, classic.
| me: | hey michele |
| ShellyBell873: | hey |
| me: | how are you |
| ShellyBell873: | fine you? |
| me: | i'm alright |
| ShellyBell873: | that's good |
| me: | yeah |
| me: | had a rough day or two though. yesterday i realized it had been exactly a year since me and lauren lost our virginity to each other :| |
| ShellyBell873: | i don't remember what day i lost my virginity |
| me: | i just remembered because it was on our 3 month |
| me: | and yesterday was what would have been our 15 month |
| me: | and then today i just saw that he posted on her wall and that's just a little stab at me. |
| ShellyBell873: | why? |
| ShellyBell873: | all he said was to smile |
| me: | i mean |
| me: | i didn't mean he was taking a stab at me |
| me: | but it hurt, just another reminder that they're basically with each other |
| me: | and i'm just in this pain by myself. i don't want her to be in pain but i don't like feeling alone like i have this whole month, alone in my suffering through this |
| ShellyBell873: | you'll be fine...i promise |
| ShellyBell873: | just get through it the best you can |
| ShellyBell873: | try to keep your head up |
| me: | lord knows i'm trying |
| me: | i'm failing |
| ShellyBell873: | for a while you might |
| me: | i can't stand to see them together |
| me: | and i never will |
| me: | and understand that no matter how good a guy you think he is, he knew exactly what he was doing this whole time, and he certainly was not "worried" about breaking us up |
| me: | and he doesn't give a shit that he did and he's happy he did |
| me: | btw make sure she knows not to ever let me see him/them in person |
| ShellyBell873: | that's not right |
| ShellyBell873: | you need to calm down about the eric situation |
| ShellyBell873: | and leave it alone |
| me: | what i'm saying in regards to his intentions is true |
| me: | it really is naive to think otherwise |
| ShellyBell873: | regardless, you're sounding a little crazy |
| me: | god i'm not going to get violent |
| ShellyBell873: | doesn't matter |
| me: | yeah, it does |
| me: | if i was going to get violent about it, that would obviously be bad and i would hope someone would stop me/calm me down |
| me: | i'm not going to though |
| ShellyBell873: | well you sound like you're on your way there so be careful |
| me: | i'm not |
| me: | pardon me being pissed at him |
| ShellyBell873: | HE WAS NOT THE FUCKING REASON SHE BROKE UP WITH YOU |
| ShellyBell873: | GET THAT INTO YOUR HEAD |
| me: | look |
| me: | that doesn't matter |
| ShellyBell873: | yes it does |
| ShellyBell873: | b/c you keep blaming him |
| ShellyBell873: | for your sadness |
| ShellyBell873: | and pain |
| me: | let me clarify |
| ShellyBell873: | you can't hide how you feel but i'm saying you need to take a step back and look at things |
| me: | i believe it that if things were fine between me and her this wouldn't have happened |
| me: | i know |
| me: | that being said |
| me: | i am sick and tired of hearing how he had nothing but good intentions |
| me: | and how he told her he was "worried" about coming between us |
| me: | and how he has not been pressuring her |
| me: | you realize everything he did and said was what she would want to hear |
| me: | of course he wouldn't pressure her, that'd be fucking stupid |
| me: | and of course he's going to sound apologetic for having feelings for her |
| me: | but it's like this |
| ShellyBell873: | all of those things don't matter at all |
| me: | yes, they do |
| ShellyBell873: | no they don't |
| me: | i can guarantee you |
| ShellyBell873: | b/c like i said |
| me: | guarantee you |
| me: | if i was his friend, he wouldn't have done this to me |
| ShellyBell873: | he didn't do anything to you |
| me: | and if you do something to another guy that you wouldn't do to your friend, it's a pretty shitty thing |
| ShellyBell873: | he did nothing to you |
| ShellyBell873: | nothing at all |
| me: | he didn't stop talking to her or hanging out with her |
| ShellyBell873: | why should he |
| ShellyBell873: | they're friends |
| me: | but it wasn't innocent to him |
| me: | it never was |
| ShellyBell873: | ok you need to stop |
| ShellyBell873: | and think about what you're saying |
| me: | you need to fucking understand |
| me: | i have thought about it |
she'll know
and one day she will know the personal hell she's put me in. whether it's when we're back together and I tell her months, years later, or somewhere down the road. she's not going to get away with living forever and not knowing what she's done.
oh god damn it
She's going to be going to a party this weekend, with Circle K people...meaning he'll be there.....and she's 99% likely going to be drinking....meaning they're going to hook up, making out at BEST. god damn it.
why is this shit happening to me. i didn't deserve it. i only did what i knew how and tried to treat her right. i didn't do anything wrong.
and i know i can't control her now. or have any say in what she does.
but how can she not feel bad about doing this to me? how will she be able to kiss him, to make out with him, to do all this shit without any remorse?
this is so fucked up.
she doesn't love me. she says she does, but she doesn't. i don't know when she stopped. but you can't just make out with someone else (and who knows how far they'll go) and claim to still love that person. of course she feels bad for me, because she KNOWS that it's her fucking fault that i'm going through this pain. but that's not love. that's guilt.
this isn't what you do to someone you love.
i knew that this would come and it would happen, so i don't know why i'm so shocked and hurt as much as if we just broke up yesterday
another kicker--today he wrote on her wall "smile! :)" like a little fucking bitch. of course he knows i'll read it and see it. fucking dagger in the heart. and i can't do shit about any of it.
it'll be interesting to see if she's at PCM tomorrow. i don't know if i want her to be or not. in some ways this is harder than 2 weeks ago because this time I don't have a plan to talk to her afterwards. i don't know what i'm going to do.
fuck him in the ass and fuck this
why is this shit happening to me. i didn't deserve it. i only did what i knew how and tried to treat her right. i didn't do anything wrong.
and i know i can't control her now. or have any say in what she does.
but how can she not feel bad about doing this to me? how will she be able to kiss him, to make out with him, to do all this shit without any remorse?
this is so fucked up.
she doesn't love me. she says she does, but she doesn't. i don't know when she stopped. but you can't just make out with someone else (and who knows how far they'll go) and claim to still love that person. of course she feels bad for me, because she KNOWS that it's her fucking fault that i'm going through this pain. but that's not love. that's guilt.
this isn't what you do to someone you love.
i knew that this would come and it would happen, so i don't know why i'm so shocked and hurt as much as if we just broke up yesterday
another kicker--today he wrote on her wall "smile! :)" like a little fucking bitch. of course he knows i'll read it and see it. fucking dagger in the heart. and i can't do shit about any of it.
it'll be interesting to see if she's at PCM tomorrow. i don't know if i want her to be or not. in some ways this is harder than 2 weeks ago because this time I don't have a plan to talk to her afterwards. i don't know what i'm going to do.
fuck him in the ass and fuck this
11/27/07
old ben
This Ben Folds song came up on my mp3 player for the first time in ages. Way too appropriate. And it came on as I was walking across the quad which was unusually quiet, with a cool breeze and leaves on the ground. It made me shed a tear or two actually. Especially these parts:
(from "evaporated")
Don't you know I'm numb, man?
I can't feel a thing at all
Now it's all smiles and business these days
I'm indifferent to the loss
I have faith that there's a soul somewhere
That's leading me around
I wonder if she knows
Which way is up and which is down
I poured my heart out...
It evaporated.
(from "evaporated")
Don't you know I'm numb, man?
I can't feel a thing at all
Now it's all smiles and business these days
I'm indifferent to the loss
I have faith that there's a soul somewhere
That's leading me around
I wonder if she knows
Which way is up and which is down
I poured my heart out...
It evaporated.
actually, today
I was off with my timing. It was actually 11/27/06, not the 28th, that I lost my virginity. It was our 3 month anniversary. Today would be 15 months.
One of the most important times in my romantic life, second to only falling in love (that would have been earlier this month), one year ago, and I don't think she remembers or realizes the significance.
damn.
One of the most important times in my romantic life, second to only falling in love (that would have been earlier this month), one year ago, and I don't think she remembers or realizes the significance.
damn.
11/25/07
eh
Well I know she didn't party. She still probably hung out with Eric. Still probably kissed him, again.
I don't think she misses me. That hurts.
I hung out with Laura tonight which was good. Talked about all our relationship shit and actually talked about teh secks omgwtf. Saw Stephen too, which was nice.
I guess....I think she may almost have to date Eric or hook up with him or whatever. I also don't think she'd let me find out if she was dating him or she may not "officially" date him even if he's the only one she's interested in right now, which is great.
I just hope if she dates him, realizes he's an ass/it doesn't work/whatever and that makes her appreciate me. But maybe, if she's had some feelings for him for awhile, she needs to be with him for a little for our relationship to last anyway, so it won't be hanging in the back of her mind if/when we do get back together.
Unfortunately I can't see him dropping the ball with her, but I could be wrong. I do know that he is sleazy based on all this even if she doesn't. If she doesn't mind being with someone who has no class or respect for relationships then fine. All I know is I wouldn't come onto a girl and tell her my feelings if she was in love, and then I really wouldn't keep pursuing it if she shot me down.
Of course, I don't know how much she shot him down. For all I know she said "I have feelings for you but I love Joe" or some shit the first time.
God damn I have alot of work to do now. >_<
I don't think she misses me. That hurts.
I hung out with Laura tonight which was good. Talked about all our relationship shit and actually talked about teh secks omgwtf. Saw Stephen too, which was nice.
I guess....I think she may almost have to date Eric or hook up with him or whatever. I also don't think she'd let me find out if she was dating him or she may not "officially" date him even if he's the only one she's interested in right now, which is great.
I just hope if she dates him, realizes he's an ass/it doesn't work/whatever and that makes her appreciate me. But maybe, if she's had some feelings for him for awhile, she needs to be with him for a little for our relationship to last anyway, so it won't be hanging in the back of her mind if/when we do get back together.
Unfortunately I can't see him dropping the ball with her, but I could be wrong. I do know that he is sleazy based on all this even if she doesn't. If she doesn't mind being with someone who has no class or respect for relationships then fine. All I know is I wouldn't come onto a girl and tell her my feelings if she was in love, and then I really wouldn't keep pursuing it if she shot me down.
Of course, I don't know how much she shot him down. For all I know she said "I have feelings for you but I love Joe" or some shit the first time.
God damn I have alot of work to do now. >_<
11/24/07
coming back
Just when I get unworried about Eric, now I'm paranoid again. I know she left back for Chapel Hill around 11 and by now she hadn't signed on. I also know she had in an away msg last night "directions for tomorrow", and I didn't know what that'd be for....and then I randomly looked at her FB and it showed she was on it but not on AIM, meaning she was probably at someone else's place looking at her FB. This is me being paranoid but I just bet she went back to Raleigh/Chapel Hill with Eric and is at his place right now hanging out with him. Ugh. And she's probably going to some party tonight, so that's why she'd need directions, and I'm assuming he'll be there too, putting his greasy lips all over her. God damn it.
I don't think that even if I talk to her or not she'll ever find herself seeing with me again anytime soon. She's gonna keep seeing herself with Eric until she is with him, and even if we do have more good conversation she'll just see it as friendly and be like "oh cool I'm over him now", not "oh maybe I was wrong and there is a connection b/t us". Meanwhile she'll go off and fuck Eric and not think twice about how it's killing me.
She doesn't really even care about me. I mean she doesn't want me to be hurt. But she doesn't CARE care about me. Otherwise she wouldn't have kissed him already, drunk or not, and she's probably planning on kissing him again. Nothing I can do about it either. God damn it.
I don't think that even if I talk to her or not she'll ever find herself seeing with me again anytime soon. She's gonna keep seeing herself with Eric until she is with him, and even if we do have more good conversation she'll just see it as friendly and be like "oh cool I'm over him now", not "oh maybe I was wrong and there is a connection b/t us". Meanwhile she'll go off and fuck Eric and not think twice about how it's killing me.
She doesn't really even care about me. I mean she doesn't want me to be hurt. But she doesn't CARE care about me. Otherwise she wouldn't have kissed him already, drunk or not, and she's probably planning on kissing him again. Nothing I can do about it either. God damn it.
11/22/07
convo
well we had a talk. i guess it was good.
| me: | how was golden corral |
| Lauren: | it was ok...it would have been better if my mom and grandmother hadn't been bitching the entire time |
| me: | i'm sorry |
| Lauren: | i'm just ready to get back to school. this is why i can't spend more than one night here >_< |
| me: | yeah |
| Lauren: | so my entire day has been my mom telling me i have low self esteem and my grandmother telling me that i need to go on a diet |
| me: | that sucks |
| me: | mine's been boring, we had a good meal but then we've sat around watching tv or on the internet or w/e |
| Lauren: | that's about where we are right now |
| Lauren: | i need to study some orgo tonight |
| Lauren: | i have a test in a week :-( |
| me: | yeah, i have a recitation panel for poli on monday |
| Lauren: | but part of me wants to just go out for a drive...but i can't think of an excuse. |
| me: | i'm kinda stuck |
| me: | i just hope we leave somewhat early tomorrow |
| Lauren: | still in fort mill? |
| me: | it wouldn't be so bad if we had eaten at 6 and this was midnight and things were winding down but it's only 8:30 and we haven't done much for 4 hrs |
| me: | and it's just me, my parents, my aunt/uncle who are nice and my older cousin who i don't relate to much, not even my sis |
| me: | not even a new office tonight |
| Lauren: | i know :-( |
| Lauren: | http://youtube.com/watch?v=1CndP1fYC0M maybe this will cheer you up a bit ? :-) |
| me: | um |
| me: | i hate to admit i chuckled |
| me: | there's not much t-giving related humor |
| Lauren: | idk i thought it was cute |
| me: | no, it was....that's why i'm ashamed of laughing at it |
| Lauren: | lol |
| Lauren: | i'll take it a step further - i'm not ashamed :-) |
| me: | well you're a girl, duh |
| Lauren: | just a girl in the world |
| me: | just a smalltown girl |
| me: | living in a lonely world |
| Lauren: | i was talking about a different song but it's all good :-) |
| me: | i know |
| me: | but it made me think of journey |
| me: | just a city boy, born and raised in south detroit |
| me: | i did get to go to the canes last night, though they lost |
| Lauren: | aw :-( |
| Lauren: | that's disappointing |
| me: | it's alright |
| me: | long season |
| Lauren: | yea :-) |
| me: | i took lots of pictures and recorded lots of video trying to capture a goal being scored on the side i was close to b/c we had good seats, but the canes never scored on our end |
| me: | unfortunately i left my USB cord at the dorm |
| me: | something sad: |
| Lauren: | :-( |
| me: | sorry to bum you out |
| Lauren: | it's allright |
| me: | cheer you up |
| me: | |
| Lauren: | lol that's adorable :-) |
| Lauren: | thanks |
| me: | np |
| me: | whoa, this is awesome...sorry i hate it when people send me lots of links but this is my last |
| Lauren: | lol ok |
| Lauren: | i like links :-) |
| me: | |
| me: | wait |
| me: | argh |
| me: | didn't cooperate, gimme a sec |
| me: | **fixed link/image here** |
| me: | i hate it when i laugh on the internet then people look at me suspiciously |
| me: | like, people in real life |
| Lauren: | LOL |
| Lauren: | i know |
| me: | and i just feel stupid if i explain |
| me: | well i'm gonna go....get ice cream and play some pool |
| Lauren: | lol i think i might go...either to bed or to study orgo :-) hope the rest of your break goes well |
| Lauren: | talk to you later |
| me: | you too, bye |
