fuck

If this isn't hell I duno what is.

Here I am, fucking Saturday night. Haven't done shit all day. I did get out yesterday and had fun at State and that took my mind off shit, but here I am back sitting on my ass. In my room. Doing nothing.

Here are the things I can't do
- can't watch movies
- can't watch TV
- can't study
- can't read
- can't play video games
- can't sit here
- can't talk to anybody else

None of these things, except maybe the last one, are fulfilling at all to me right now. I feel empty all around.

I can't do the last one, because I'm just pushing everyone away with me by how much I'm talking about her, I'm afraid. That's all I seem to be able to talk about with my friends. Sometimes if the conversation is flowing well enough I can put off talking about it for awhile, or in groups of people. But once there's a lull in the conversation that's all I want to talk about. Her. And this bullshit. The only good thing is I've talked to so many different people about it that I may only be making one or two people really tired talking about it. I've also talked to some people (like Allison who may or may not ever read this) recently for the first time in a long time and all I seem to be able to talk about is her. I'm sorry if that's you. I really am. You probably feel like I'm not really interested in you, that I just need to talk about Lauren and you happened to be online. The sad thing is I'm not really ever saying anything different. I'm repeating the story so many times I wonder if it's making me believe it less.

I hate not knowing what she's doing. I'm so used to knowing how she's feeling, what she's up to (at least in general), what her day has been like, what she's going to be doing in the next week, etc. Now all I have to rely on is shitty internet things like away messages and scant facebook information. She's been online less recently, and it's probably because of me. It's not like her to be offline and not have an away message up. I'm not so worried about her being with some other guy (or a specific other guy), at least not yet.....give me a couple more weeks and it'll be worse.


I just want to bad to talk to her. I know she's on duty tonight and tomorrow, meaning she's in her dorm, but I know I can't see her or hang out with her.

This is also making me feel like I don't have as many friends as I thought I did. Nobody's calling me to hang out and I don't really know who I could call either at this point. That's why I'm sitting here in my room bored as fuck with nothing to do. I could study for my tests on Monday, which would be productive, but I won't be able to concentrate. My mind will wander like it has all week (minus part of Friday night).


I just want to know that she misses me. That she still loves me like she says she does. That this is tearing her up inside too. I don't want to see her hurting but I can't stand to be in this alone....the worst part of this.


I want to dial her number so bad. I've scanned through all the contacts in my phone twice, never intending to call anyone, just so I could scan by her name. I have thought about calling and checking up on her, but everyone says that is a bad idea. I just need to hear her voice.

I've never felt so helpless. So vulnerable. So much at someone else's mercy.

The shitty things are that in the end she probably won't take me back, and that she can't know that I'm feeling like this right now. I can't let her know I'm this weak for her. If she sees me being so needy she'll just reject me. That's the only thing keeping me from calling her, knowing that there's no chance I can get her back.

It's probably going to only be harder over time. Another week from now I'll really be itching to dial that number, to press the green button over her highlighted name. Nobody says I should call her, and they'll probably still tell me I shouldn't call her a week from now. And maybe I shouldn't and maybe I'll feel less tempted to.

This just hurts so much right now.

Another weird thing....I'm already envisioning a future where she is reading this post later, only after we're back together though. I'll never let her know this exists if we're not together. That would be just catastrophic.

Also, FUCK ERIC. Michele and Lauren each say he's not a bad guy, that he doesn't have bad intentions, that he's not going to pressure her....WELL OF COURSE NOT BECAUSE HE KNOWS THAT WOULDN'T GET HIM HER. HE'S DOING EVERYTHING HE CAN TO STEAL HER FROM ME EVEN IF SHE DOESN'T SEE IT AS STEALING, WHICH OF COURSE SHE WOULDN'T BECAUSE THEN HE WOULDN'T BE GOOD AT DOING IT.

He's probably talked to her more than he ever did while we were together. He's just being the sympathetic friend after all. He's just there for her during her times of trouble. Of course, let's not mention that he's only doing this in order to score points towards getting with her later. So once she's over me, since that seems inevitable, she'll look to him. When that happens she might be his forever, and I can't take that shit. I just can't.

She can't be with Eric. God damn it. She can't. If that happens I really don't know what I'll do.

She has to give me a second chance if she really does love me before she gets with him.

I can't go a month without talking to her. I have to let her know I'm thinking about her with some kind of communication, if only so she doesn't forget that she loves/loved me. Sure it may not happen this week, maybe not next, but I can't just give up on this.