self-control

Today got better....I finally have an mp3 player again. Easier to fall asleep again.


I've tried so hard not to talk to her. I've succeeded but it hasn't been easy.

I wanted so bad today to ask her how her weekend went. I know I can't, though, mainly b/c Michele and Allison and everyone else would get pissed and I guess it wouldn't help me.

I played a 3+ hour game of poker that I eventually finished 3rd in (and got 0 money back..) and when I sat down and saw she was online I wanted more than anything to talk to her. More than anything. Fuck, she's still online now. It'd be so easy to IM her...she's right there.

I am going to call her on Thanksgiving to wish her a happy one. I feel like she'll appreciate it.


I don't know if not talking to her is more for her, me or us.

Why it might be for her:
- give her true distance from me so she doesn't keep getting reminded of the pain she's caused me
- i won't annoy her

why it might be for me:
- talking to her might make me look desperate/needy. nevermind the fact that I am desperate and needy.
- talking to her will just make it harder to not talk to her in the future.
- if i talk to her she might never end up missing me

why for us:
- time apart can help her miss me, as I said above.
- when we do talk agian eventually i can have more to talk to her about if i don't update her on shit
- talking to her mundanely won't help her see the good in our relationship
- she said she "misses talking to me". so maybe that can develop into missing me altogether more.



But if she initiates it then I'm all over it.

I love her so much.